awesome resource for women.

I found this blog today that is a great resource. I wish I would have found it years ago to educate myself more about how and why my body works the way it does! It’s also a great resource for those who are TTC.

http://birthwithoutfearblog.com/2013/05/29/the-magical-menstrual-cycle/

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triple negative.

The third times the charm, right? Well, unfortunately, not this time around. 3 negative pregnancy tests later and I still haven’t gotten my period. The Mister and I think it’s because I was under a little more stress than usual in late May and early June, but it could be because of something else too.
Anyways, I’m keeping a daily chart this month and we will try on the days that it says I’m fertile. If I haven’t gotten my period by the time I’m supposed to get it this month then I’m going to call my doctor to get in for a checkup.
Onto the next!

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double negative.

I took a pregnancy test upon waking up this morning and got another negative result. Tomorrow I will be exactly 1 week late and I don’t even have small cramps that might indicate my period is on its way, and yet I’ve got 2 negative tests. I charted everything today and there are 2 possible ovulation dates that fit inside my fertile period (I felt ovulation pains on both days, which were a week apart), so if we conceived on the later date, it’s possible that my hormones just aren’t high enough to be detected by the tests, but it’s a small possibility. I’m giving myself until next Monday, at which time I will test again. That will put me at 11 days past when I was supposed to start my period and 21 days past the later possible ovulation date. If I haven’t gotten my period by then and I still get a negative result, I’ll contact my doctor, seeing as I’ve NEVER missed my period so to do so would be very odd!

things i want my child to know.

Where do I even start with this? This might have to be a recurring post topic so I can sort through the millions of things I want my child to know! But I read something today that is truly something I want my child to know (boy or girl):

“i will tell you, my daughter
of your worth
not your beauty
everyday. (your beauty is a given. every being is born beautiful)
knowing your worth
can save your life.
raising you on beauty alone,
you will be starved.
you will be raw.
you will be weak.
easy clay.
always in need of someone telling you how beautiful you are.”
-emotional nutrition, nayyirah waheed

slightly confused.

So although I took a prego test on Saturday, which should have been the first day of my period, and it was negative, I have yet to get my period. This could be due to any number of things, but I have never been more than 2 days late in my 10+ years of menstruating, and I am now a full 5 days late. I’m giving myself until tomorrow morning, at which time my first pee of the morning will be promptly placed onto the pee stick. If it comes back negative a second time and I still haven’t had my period, that’s when I’ll really start to question things, but for now–so I don’t get my hopes up–I’m just going to assume that stress or exhaustion (haven’t been sleeping well as all lately) have caused my period to show up fashionably late.

not this month.

Well, it’s official; this month is just not the month, and I’m really ok with it. There was a brief period of disappointment when I didn’t see 2 lines on the pregnancy test (meaning I’m not prego), but I’m counting it as a blessing. This gives us another month to start saving and planning, and for that I’m going to be grateful! Onto next month!

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a bit of explanation and venting.

For those of you who might think I’m a little baby crazy–you can think that; it’s absolutely true!–and am getting more excited than maybe I should be, I have to explain. I’ve been avoiding pregnancy and motherhood like its the Black Plague for the last 8 years (the past 4, specifically). I mean crying hysterically anytime my period was remotely late, frantically taking pregnancy tests with sweaty palms and fast-beating heart, and always taking my birth control religiously. I have never taken any chances.

But about 2 months ago, my husband broke down and told me that he has been ready for kids for the past 2 years but didn’t want to pressure me into parenthood. I’m so thankful that he was considerate of my needs and wants, but I also feel 1) like I neglected his needs and wants and 2) that it’s time to put some of my selfishness aside. And, surprisingly, I’m now more excited than my husband! It’s like all those years of avoidance have built up this immense excitement and expectation! But that also means I’m going to be more disappointed when things don’t go as planned, so I’m hoping I can keep a level head throughout this process. I don’t deal with disappointment well, and with only 20% chance of conceiving in any month and a 1 in 5 chance of miscarrying, I feel like I need to prepare myself for disappointment of some kind or another, and maybe if I prepare myself enough, the blow from any disappointment might not be so devastating.

just not knowing.

You know how many women say they “just knew” they were pregnant? I can say that I “just know” that I’m not. Although we had sex on my most fertile days and I have been off of birth control since early May, I just feel like I’m not pregnant. It’s not something I should be surprised by, considering that we only had about a 20% chance of getting pregnant in our first month of trying, but I’ll admit it feels a bit disappointing. I still have to wait until this weekend to find out for sure if I’m not prego, but so far I don’t have that motherly intuition, no tender breasts, no nausea, no aversion to smells, etc. Its actually a good thing, I think, because that just gives us another month to save money and mentally/emotionally prepare ourselves for pregnancy and parenthood! However, I’ll let you know after this weekend if my lack of intuition is right or not.

smoke free please.

I’ve never been a fan of smoking. I don’t judge people who do smoke, but its just never been for me. In fact, when my mom smoked when we were younger, I would secretly put just enough water into her pack of cigarettes so that she couldn’t light them when she went to smoke. And when my sisters smoked with me in the car as teenagers, I would make them hold their hands out of the window so as little smoke as possible made its way into my lungs!┬áNow that I’m trying to get pregnant, I definitely don’t want to be around cigarette smoke. I hate the smell, the smoke burns my lungs, and if/when I get pregnant, the toxins and carcinogens in the smoke can hurt me and the baby. Not cool, cigarette smoke, not cool.

I started a new job as a Mental Health Case Manager 3 weeks ago, and anyone who is familiar with the social services field can tell you that most of the clientele smoke. On top of that, a lot of social services workers smoke to deal with the stress of the positions they’re in. I have been shadowing a coworker the past few work days and I really like her. She’s super nice and she’s trying to teach me as much as possible so I’m prepared for having my own case load, but she is a heavy smoker. Whenever we go on an off-site visit to meet with clients, she has anywhere between 2-6 cigarettes with me in the car. She is courteous enough to hold her hand out of the window while she drives, but there is still a good amount of smoke that I breathe in. Besides for her smoking a lot, most of the clients that we’ve been meeting with smoke very heavily too. After the amount of cigarette smoke I’ve been exposed to this week, I think I could pick up smoking and not have it bother me at all–but I don’t want to!

So my dilemma is that I chose to work in the social services field knowing that cigarette smoke will always be present, and 60% or more of our time has to be spent off-site (which usually means in a client’s home or in a public place, like a park) so I could be exposed to smoke almost 60% of my work day, but I do NOT want my baby (in utero or not) to be exposed to cigarette smoke. I repeat, I absolutely do not want cigarette smoke to be something I expose my baby too. If I wanted that, I would pick up smoking. So, if/when I do become pregnant, how do I let my supervisor know that I would like to minimize my exposure to smoke? He’s a pretty understanding guy, but still, I don’t want to appear too needy or unwilling to be flexible for the clients, but do I really need to expose my unborn child to anything more that might threaten their life??

shunning fear. easier said than done.

While I understand that it is way too early in this whole process to be worrying about all the millions of what-ifs, I am specifically worried about and fearful of one thing: that I won’t be able to get pregnant. After 8 years of being with my husband in which I fought pregnancy the entire time, I feel like I maybe cursed myself. I know, this is completely irrational thinking, but I’m thinking it nonetheless. After 8 years of avoiding fertilization at all costs, I’m finally ready to become a mom, and I’m terrified that my 8-year “Avoidance of Pregnancy Campaign” will now bite me in the ass. I know I don’t need to be stressing myself out unnecessarily, but it’s a scary thought and it’s one I think about all the time. So, Universe, if you can hear me, I’m sincerely apologizing for my past transgressions against motherhood; I’m ready to become a mom now, so please don’t hold my past avoidance against me!