Despite not yet being pregnant, we’ve been talking about and deciding on some things for our pre-nursery (the nursery before a baby gets here). We’ve decided on light blue, green and bright orange for the colors, and chevron and dinosaurs for the decor. It’s pretty gender neutral (we want to know the gender when we do get pregnant but we want to nursery to be neutral) without going with yellow and green, or yellow and gray. And here are the curtains I made! I’m so excited with how they turned out, and it’s making me more excited to get pregnant!
Lately I’ve been doing a little researching and studying here and there about nutrition. I definitely wouldn’t call myself a nutrition expert, but I’m slowly becoming more knowledgeable about what I’m doing to and putting into my body. I’ve always been a water guzzler so I don’t have problems there, and I have super processed and preserved foods, so I’ve never felt the need to sit down and analyze my diet. However, I’ve been feeling just a general sense of “yuck” since I got off of my birth control so I thought I’d look into my nutrition. See, my doctor thinks my body is basically in artificial hormone withdrawal, so now I’m kind of going through the worst parts of adolescence all over again (acne, body hair in unwanted places, mood swings, unwanted and slightly uncontrollable body odor, etc) and there seems to be no end in sight. While I can’t do much to improve my hormonal imbalance (unless, ironically, I take more hormones), I can try to improve my nutrition and increase my exercise to try to balance things out a little bit. So, on suggestion from a doctor, I’m going on a 2-week vegetarian stint and making myself exercise every day (nothing extreme, maybe a 2 mile walk with my dogs, a few mile bike ride, or a 1-2 mile jog). I’m cutting out all preservatives, artificial hormones, dairy and bread, and I’m attempting to stay away from as many pesticides and chemicals as possible, for 2 weeks. I can guarantee I’d never be able to stay with this forever because I love meat and bread, but if it might help sort of reset some stuff within my body, then I’m willing to try it. It’s only 2 weeks and it’s not like I’m not eating–I’ll actually be eating whenever I’m hungry, as long as it’s a fruit or a vegetable! Here’s hoping that maybe this improvement in nutrition and health will help my hormones find a better balance, and I can find some relief from my second round at adolescence!
On Wednesday night we found out that my husband’s brother has Leukemia. It was a horrible night, filled with lots of crying, mini-breakdowns, fear and questioning. Yesterday was a day of unknowing. He had his bone marrow extracted and bone sample tested but we didn’t get the results of that until today. We found out this evening that he (thankfully) has Chronic Myelogenous Leukemia, and it is not in the accelerated or blast phases, which is the best news we could have hoped for. This weekend will be filled with more tests and blood work, and lots of doting on my brother-in-law. Needless to say, our quest to become pregnant is on a hiatus. I will still keep blogging and we will continue to have sex, but I’m just not sure how much sex will be had while we’re dealing with the stress, fear, anger and frustration that comes with cancer. It’s not happening to my husband or me, but it’s hitting us both pretty hard. I think it’s hardest to deal with mental illness when something physical is happening to someone else. Whether you believe it or not, physical and mental health problems are not more or less severe than one another. Someone who is feeling intense agony due to a mental illness and someone who is feeling sick from cancer are both suffering, not more or less, just in different ways. I’m worried about my husband right now–he and his brother are very close and my husband is really struggling with his symptoms right now. Having a baby is the farthest thing from my mind at this moment. It’s weird because it’s been all we’ve wanted for the last 4.5 months, and now we’re both basically saying, “Fuck it.”
One of the hardest things about this whole situation is that I didn’t have anyone to blame. As a new agnostic/atheist (still haven’t decided what I am), this was the first really negative thing that’s happened to me where I didn’t have God to blame. I’ve been trained to blame God, then ask for his assistance, then praise him when good things happen. But this time, I didn’t have him to blame, because I don’t believe he’s out there. Do I think it’s unfair that my BIL is sick? Fuck yea, I do. Do I think prayer will help at this time? Probably not. Will I be a dick and mock people who find prayer comforting? Fuck no, I won’t. If prayer helps you, more power to you. Will I put my faith in the medical staff and in science? Absolutely. It’s just strange to make such a huge shift in my thinking, but I’ll get used to it.
I truly don’t believe in fate, or that “everything happens for a reason”, or that there is something out there making sure things all fall into place. However, in the past 6 months, it has felt like fate was/is at play.
My husband received a government job in his field that is only 29 hours/week but pays like a full-time job, so he can still do school work without getting overwhelmed throughout the week. I received an amazing job in my field, which could really set me up for amazing job opportunities in the future, and my boss is flexible about school. I started school for my next degree and then found out that the school is discontinuing that degree program. While that doesn’t sound pleasant, it has caused me to think more thoroughly about what I want to do in the future and I’ve decided on a completely different Master’s program now. Plus I’ve found an online Master’s program at The Chicago School of Professional Psychology, which is a school I’ve been interested in for as long as I’ve been interested in Sociology and Psychology, and after talking to advisors there, I think that might be the school!
All of the above things have happened at the same time or shortly after we decided to start trying, and I can’t help thinking that there might be a reason for why we haven’t conceived yet. From now on, I’m going to try to keep a relaxed and open mind to whatever
fate life has in store for us and our journey of TTC.
On another topic, I’m starting to get worried about pregnancy cravings. I’ve been having some very strange non-pregnancy cravings that are making me concerned about what my cravings are going to be when I’m actually pregnant! This week’s cravings: hot dogs, dark chocolate chip cookie dough/cookies and orange juice. And it’s not just wanting to eat/drink those things, it’s “I have to have a hot dog right now despite the fact that I’m making dinner right this second!” I’m hoping I don’t make us go broke when I do finally have pregnancy cravings! 🙂
Last Saturday was exactly 4 months of trying. Although 4 months is nothing compared to how long some couples try or compared to the length of time we’ll actually have a child (18+ years), it’s 3 months longer than either one of us expected. Considering we’re relatively young and overall pretty healthy, we both expected to be Fertile Myrtles and be pregnant right off the bat, but obviously there are different plans for us. We’re still trying but not being so fanatical about it. I’m still having pregnancy/motherhood dreams and I still swoon when I see a newborn, but I’m relaxing about the whole thing a little bit. Hopefully within the next 4 months I’ll have better news!