dreams vs reality

I have been having a lot of dreams about menstruating and getting positive pregnancy tests lately, like a lot. I have been trying this whole positive affirmation thing where I repeat positive mantras to myself like, “You will be fertile this month,” or “You will at least get your period this month”. I’m a firm believer that you can convince your body to do something if you try hard enough, so I’m trying hard to think positively and convince my body to do something. Anything will do at this point. A period, cramping, fertile cervical fluid; just something! So yes, needless to say, I have been having a lot of dreams about getting my period and getting positive prego tests. In one dream, I started my period and I did a dance of joy in my bathroom, and then made my husband come into the bathroom with me to dance for joy! The only really bad thing about those dreams is waking up and realizing that I haven’t had my period in 6 months (and it’s showing no signs of making an appearance any time soon) and also remembering that I’m still not pregnant.

This whole “my reproductive system is in hibernation” thing is making this whole “trying to conceive” thing a whole lot more difficult. Like my husband said the other night, “We might as well go back to having sex strictly for fun, because until we have some sign that your body would like to cooperate, we aren’t going to conceive.” And he’s right. Until my hormones get back on track, we’re powerless. Hormones imbalanced = no ovulation = no egg = no pregnancy, no matter how much we do it. I know that not being pregnant yet is not the end of the world, especially since we’ve only been trying for 6 months, but with every passing month, it gets harder to remain optimistic. Especially when people keep saying things like, “Well, there’s always adoption or surrogacy”. Yes, I know those things are out there and I’m completely open to them (I have always wanted to adopt), but I’m just not quite ready to admit defeat, and that’s what this feels like: defeat.

Like I said earlier though, I’m trying very hard to remain positive with myself. I may have a good cry here and there, but positivity is going to win in the end. I need to remain positive until we’re told that we absolutely won’t be able to conceive, and even then, I’ll just have to remain positive about surrogacy or adoption 🙂

a little chit-chat with no one

I was really bummed when I got home from work. Like really bummed. It had been a bad day at work (isn’t everyday a bad day when you are starting to hate your job?) and I have been depressed for the past 2 weeks or so, and when I got home, I kind of lost it. Not in an anger type of “lost it”, but in a sad, emotional kind of way. I sat down in our pre-nursery, grabbed a pillow that I’ve made for the nursery, sat on the floor and talked to my future child. I said things like, “I can’t wait for you to be here,” and “I keep wondering what you’ll be like and if I’ll be a good enough mommy.” But mostly what I talked about was how sorry I was for the years that I’ve not wanted him/her. For years I swore off motherhood and refused to talk about the idea of having a child, and now that I’m ready and willing, it’s not happening as quickly as expected. I just sat there, talking to no one really, and hoping that things will soon change. I know my posts have been more on the sad side lately, but it’s only because I feel this is a safe place to say these things and express my fears. However, I am really giving it my best to keep a positive outlook on things and keep pushing forward, I promise! 🙂

5 month blues.

It’s been a little over 5 months since we started trying. I have to schedule a doctor’s appointment soon to get more blood tests done to check my hormone levels. I went to the doctor 3 months ago and had an annual exam and a blood test done to check my hormones. According to my doctor, my cervix and cervical mucus looked great, and my blood work came back with “nothing alarming”.  However, I’ve now been 5 months without a period or any signs of normalcy in my reproductive organs and, obviously, I’m still not pregnant. I’m one of those people who would rather just know if something is wrong, and this is no exception. I would rather know as soon as possible if I can’t have kids instead of trying for a year and then finding out. Hopefully after getting more blood work done, I’ll have some answers. The only really crappy part about potentially not being able to have kids (I know I’m getting ahead of myself, but I have to think about these things to mentally prepare myself) is that we are just barely too young to adopt from most agencies and too broke to pay for infertility treatments. I’m crossing my fingers that I can have children and my body is still just adjusting to not having artificial hormones. Here’s hoping!

just blah

For the past few weeks, I’ve really been feeling just blah. Since we began TTC, there have been some days I don’t even think about it. I forget to take an ovulation test and I honestly don’t think about anything having to do with my uterus. Then there’s those other days where I think about TTC all day long. Those are my sad days where I think about what I could do differently and question why I’m not pregnant yet. But the past few weeks I’ve done a whole lot more of the NOT thinking about TTC thing. I just haven’t been able to devote much energy to it, and when I do muster up the energy to think about it, I quickly dismiss my thoughts because I’m discouraged. I don’t want to stop trying to conceive, but I really can’t seem to shake this blah feeling.

trying to live stress free.

I’ve always been a worrywart. As far back as I can remember, I remember myself worrying about everyone and everything, probably excessively. I never caused myself to have ulcers or anything physical, but I know my worrying and being easily stressed out  has absolutely affecting my mental health. And now I’m worried that my susceptibility to stress and my excessive worrying are going to impact my chances of getting pregnant. I’m trying really hard not to over-analyze everything I may or may not be doing right in our quest to become pregnant, but this is something I’ve been worried about (shocker!) since we decided to start trying.

I’m trying to figure out where I can cut out excess stress so that I don’t negatively impact my chances of getting pregnant or even possibly negatively impact a future pregnancy. I know that I need to feel less stressed at work (I’m a mental health caseworker, so it’s pretty easy to be stressed) and I’m working on that, but I’m not sure what else I can do at this point. I’m going to try to make exercising a priority so that I can physically get rid of some of my stress and worry, and I really want to start a monthly ritual of getting a massage. There’s a local therapeutic massage school in our town and they do an amazing job, AND it’s affordable, so I think I could definitely consider a monthly massage!

Any suggestions? What did you do to relax while TTC? Any tips of de-stressing?

cramps…could it be?

On the 22nd, we began our 2 weeks of eating primarily fruits and veggies (although I may extend it past 2 weeks because I’m feeling so good!). My main hope is that eating healthier will help my hormones balance out a little bit, and for the last 4 days, I’ve been experiencing cramps. Like actual cramps, coming from my uterus! Could my hormones finally be balancing out and my body be doing what it’s supposed to?? I don’t want to get ahead of myself, but I can’t help but get giddy at the prospect of finally getting my body back!

Even if the cramps aren’t a sign of ovulation or an impending period, eating healthier has had its pluses: I’ve lost 5 pounds! 🙂