I have been having a lot of dreams about menstruating and getting positive pregnancy tests lately, like a lot. I have been trying this whole positive affirmation thing where I repeat positive mantras to myself like, “You will be fertile this month,” or “You will at least get your period this month”. I’m a firm believer that you can convince your body to do something if you try hard enough, so I’m trying hard to think positively and convince my body to do something. Anything will do at this point. A period, cramping, fertile cervical fluid; just something! So yes, needless to say, I have been having a lot of dreams about getting my period and getting positive prego tests. In one dream, I started my period and I did a dance of joy in my bathroom, and then made my husband come into the bathroom with me to dance for joy! The only really bad thing about those dreams is waking up and realizing that I haven’t had my period in 6 months (and it’s showing no signs of making an appearance any time soon) and also remembering that I’m still not pregnant.
This whole “my reproductive system is in hibernation” thing is making this whole “trying to conceive” thing a whole lot more difficult. Like my husband said the other night, “We might as well go back to having sex strictly for fun, because until we have some sign that your body would like to cooperate, we aren’t going to conceive.” And he’s right. Until my hormones get back on track, we’re powerless. Hormones imbalanced = no ovulation = no egg = no pregnancy, no matter how much we do it. I know that not being pregnant yet is not the end of the world, especially since we’ve only been trying for 6 months, but with every passing month, it gets harder to remain optimistic. Especially when people keep saying things like, “Well, there’s always adoption or surrogacy”. Yes, I know those things are out there and I’m completely open to them (I have always wanted to adopt), but I’m just not quite ready to admit defeat, and that’s what this feels like: defeat.
Like I said earlier though, I’m trying very hard to remain positive with myself. I may have a good cry here and there, but positivity is going to win in the end. I need to remain positive until we’re told that we absolutely won’t be able to conceive, and even then, I’ll just have to remain positive about surrogacy or adoption 🙂