throat punching

If one more person tells me, “You don’t need to be having kids right now,” or “When are you going to start having babies?” or “You’re going to miss being childless like you are now when you start having kids,” or anything like those statements, I’m going to lose it. I’m seriously going to go on a throat-punching rampage. I’m going to punch every stinking person who tells me I’m not becoming a mom quick enough or I’m making a mistake by wanting to become a mom! Goodness! Anyone who knows me well knows that I have thought long and hard about becoming a mom, and the mere fact that I’ve come around to the idea is a miracle. Why do people have to stick their noses where they don’t belong (up my vagina)?

Since Christmas, I have heard the following (and have had to resist the strong urge to hurt people):

“You guys have been married long enough, you need to start having kids.”
“You don’t want to have kids right now–you’ll miss being childless!”
“What’s taking you so long??”
“Kids are brats; are you sure you want one around all the time?”
“When are you two going to start popping out babies?”
“There’s really nothing left for you guys to do but have kids.”

I don’t have the patience to continue listening to people talk about my life and what I decide to do with it. If/when we get pregnant, my Mister and I have already decided that we’re keeping it very quiet. Family and best friends only until after the first trimester and even then, no Facebook announcements/pics. I don’t like having others so involved in what I’m doing with my life and I’m not taking chances in the future.

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provera and clomid

  • I did not ovulate last month. It was hard to accept, especially after finally having a period.
  • I was told to call my doctor if I didn’t have a period by the 15th of this month. Well, surprise, surprise, I didn’t get my period.
  • I called my doctor today and she prescribed my Provera to help me have a period. I’ll also be doing another blood test this cycle to see if I ovulated after using Provera.
  • I got scheduled for an appointment with my doctor to discuss beginning a cycle of Clomid. I’m a bit hesitant to want to start Clomid just because I don’t know much about it, but maybe I’ll feel more positive about it after talking with my doctor.
  • I don’t not want to get pregnant, but I’ve been very laid back about trying to conceive the past few weeks and I haven’t been stressing myself out nearly as much. I think that’s a good thing–anytime I can be less stressed out, I’ll take it.

pro choice-ish

I’ve been pro choice for a long time. This doesn’t mean that I’m pro-abortion; I just firmly believe that women should have that choice in certain circumstances. Women should be able to make informed decisions about their own pregnancies, especially (but not necessarily limited to) rape or sexual abuse victims. Again, I don’t love the idea of abortion. I believe that a fetus is a human so I really think abortion should be a last resort and, as I said, a very informed decision.

Today I had to talk with a client about what direction she was going to take with her pregnancy. It’s an unexpected and very unwanted pregnancy (she had sex with her roommate while they were both intoxicated) and she told me right away, “I have to get rid of it.” I’ve heard that from women before, but I’ve never heard that while I was trying to conceive. I felt like my heart was ripped right out of my chest. I felt so sensitive about what she said; I took it so personally. I tried to discuss the possibility of adoption with her since she clearly doesn’t want to keep the baby. Her response was, “But if I choose adoption, I’ll have to carry it for 9 months, and every day that I know it’s growing, it bothers me more. I’m afraid I’ll want to keep it after 9 months and I can’t. I have to get rid of it.” By the end of our discussion, it was clear that my client was going to get an abortion today or tomorrow. My heart has been breaking ever since I had this talk with her.

I still believe what I stated earlier–women should have the choice–it’s just a little harder to accept now that I so desperately want a child.

egg hunt

Not all of this whole trying to conceive thing is serious business. Tonight, my husband and I were joking about how I think my uterus is not providing the most hospitable environment for his sperm. Then my mister says, “I’ve been trying to encourage my sperm to just keep swimming. I tell them ‘It’s the most difficult Easter egg hunt, guys, but you can do it!’ ” We try to make this process lighthearted, if we can 🙂