my greatest asset, help and love

I had a really bad day yesterday. Like break down, wallow in my self-pity, and have a panic attack kind of bad day. I felt like such a failure. I can’t find a new job (which I desperately need) and I can’t get pregnant. While that might not seem like a lot to be upset about to you, I spend 40 hours a week at a job I hate and every single day I’m reminded of my inadequacy in the fertility department. I wasn’t really processing through my sadness and frustration until yesterday when I burst. I would have been happy to cry myself to sleep and feel bad for myself, but luckily my husband was there to remind me that wallowing doesn’t do me any good. He let me cry, and he hugged and comforted me, but after a few minutes of comforting me, he took me by the shoulders and asked me, “Is any of this your fault? What good does it do to blame yourself and say ‘What if?'” I got mad at him at first. After all, how dare he make me think logically and unemotionally! However, after a few minutes, I realized he was right. He continued to let me sniffle and he watched more tears fall, but he refused to let me stay in a completely saddened state. He has no idea how much this helped and how much I appreciate his efforts to keep me sane. I have plenty of very supportive people in my life but no one understands me like my husband. He’s my best friend (Sorry, I’m not sorry for the cheesiness) and without his constant love, encouragement and support, I don’t know what I’d do. I sometimes feel like I rely on him too much, like I’m overbearing and overwhelming. But I hope that our marriage is full of give and take; I hope I’m just as good at supporting and loving him as he is with me. I’m just so grateful that I have him to travel this oftentimes dark and bumpy road with.

10 months

I should listen to my body, mood and gut feeling more. I took a pregnancy test this morning since my period was due tomorrow, and it was negative. I think this was one of the most disappointing negatives yet because I felt so optimistic, so sure that I’d be pregnant this month. Then, when I got to work, I realized that I’d started my period. I just sat there, unable to process that another month has gone by and we’re still not pregnant. For those of you keeping track, that’s 10 months of trying. I know that it hasn’t even been a year but it’s a lot of months of disappointment and sadness. My husband and I made the realization the other day that if we had been able to get pregnant our first month of trying, we would have had a baby by now. That’s kind of strange to think about.
I’m just so sad and angry that my body has failed me yet again. I feel like a failure and I don’t know what to do but just be sad. I’m trying to remember that I’m not dying, this is just infertility, but I feel like a little piece of me dies every time I see a negative pregnancy test.

i’m feeling sort of blah

I am just not feeling like myself right now. I always go through phases of feeling sad or down, but I’ve been feeling very sad, distracted and just all around mopey since Saturday. I know it’s partly due to the fact that I don’t think I’m pregnant. It will be such a disappointment to know that I actually ovulated this month but we didn’t get pregnant. It will feel like such a failure. I tried to get rid of some of my negativity this past weekend by opening the bedroom windows, since it was nice enough to let the breeze in. I’ve always loved the smell of fresh air and spring, and there’s something rejuvenating about that scent wrapping itself around me and soaking into my blankets and pillow. I felt slightly better after having a good cry while being wrapped in the fresh breeze, but it obviously didn’t bring me out of my funk completely. I’m hoping that maybe I’ll hear something positive from one of the many jobs I’ve applied for or that I might get a positive pregnancy test this week, but I’m just not feeling too optimistic about much right now. Here’s to kicking this funk and feeling more like myself soon!

good news!

I’m afraid the phlebotomists are going to start thinking that I’m an IV drug user. At my blood draw yesterday, I noticed that the inside of my left arm (the veins in my right arm aren’t good veins for getting blood drawn so I only use my left arm) has a bunch of small, pink scar marks. If I have to keep up the 3+ blood draws per month thing, phlebotomists are going to really start questioning me!
On another note, I received good news this morning: I ovulated this month! While that doesn’t mean we’ll for sure be pregnant, it’s good news because that means that, with the help of medications, my body did what it was supposed to do this month! I can take a pregnancy test on Saturday but I’m going to try to wait longer (but we all know how hard it is to wait to take a prego test!). Keep your fingers crossed for us!

update

The earliest we could have conceived this cycle (if all went well with my hormones) is Saturday 2/8/14 and the latest we could conceive is tomorrow. I’m trying not to get excited because there’s a good chance that my hormones are not cooperating, but my boobs have been killing me the past couple of days (which could just be because my hormones are adjusting/changing) so I’m crossing my fingers that maybe that might be a good sign. I made a pact to myself that I would have a different job by the time I got pregnant since I hate my job (like, I REALLY hate it) but as of now, I’m stuck. I hope that if I am pregnant, I have a new job within the first trimester. My job is way too high stress and emotionally-draining to keep working there much longer. Hopefully I’ll find a new position AND find out that I’m prego soon 🙂

of course i’m not ok

I’ve heard of two couples just this week who are pregnant and didn’t/don’t want to be. I hate feeling cynical and petty, but when I hear about people who didn’t want to be pregnant but are, I get frustrated. Yesterday I found out that a family friend is pregnant and she’s not happy about it. After finding out, my sister asked me, “Are you ok?” I told her that I was ok, but really I was very conflicted. I can’t be too terribly upset because I used to be one of those people. I would lose my shit when my period was even a day late and the thought of motherhood made my stomach turn. I can’t blame this woman because I know what it feels like to just not to ready. However, all the rational thinking in the world can’t override my sadness and frustration about this. I know that people aren’t getting pregnant just to rub it in my face, but the temper-tantrum throwing preschooler in me wants to just scream, “IT’S NOT FAIR!” Oh, you weren’t trying and now you’re sad that you are pregnant? Fuck you. Again, I know that it’s irrational for me to be upset about other people getting pregnant, but I feel like this blog is a safe place for me to vent my frustrations. Of course I’m not ok; I’m sad everyday. But I’ll be ok eventually.

here are my worries and fears

Here are my worries and fears:

1) I won’t ovulate this cycle (or the next one, or the one after that…)

2) We’ll throw away hundreds or thousands of dollars on medications, doctors visits and blood draws, only to find out that we will never be able to get pregnant

3) We’ll decide to adopt but we won’t qualify for some reason

4) I’m the problem and there’s nothing I can do about it

5) I’ll never get to be a mom

6) I will always wonder if there was something I did to make myself infertile. Was it the birth control? Did I expose myself to chemicals that cause it?

7) I will only have a handful of healthy eggs

8) I won’t get to carry my child, or tell him/her that they were once in mommy’s tummy, and I’ll lack that bond with my child

9) We will get pregnant and I will lose the baby

10) We will both be infertile and we won’t be able to afford any other means of becoming parents (adoption, IVF, etc.)

i’m just sad…

This week has been a rough one emotionally. I’m so filled with hopefulness, sadness, disappointment, optimism and frustration, and those feelings are battling it out in my brain. I’m feeling hopeful and optimistic because my doctor thinks that medication will help reverse my infertility and because my first hormone test for this cycle came back normal (little victories!). But I’m also feeling so sad, disappointed and frustrated with our journey. I never understood the feelings that people struggling with infertility felt. I felt bad for them and understood it must be difficult, but I never grasped how hard it must have been. Now I’m getting a small taste of those feelings and I don’t like it (sorry to sound like a whiny preschooler). For half the day I might feel really optimistic and say to myself, “This cycle is going to be THE cycle!” Then the second half of the day I might do a complete 180 and feel sad and pessimistic and tell myself, “This is never going to happen for you.” People don’t realize (unless they’re very close to me) how big of a deal it is that I actually want to get pregnant and become a mom. I was totally okay with being on birth control for the rest of my life up until 9 months ago, and then something just clicked. I suddenly knew I was ready, and I still know I’m ready. Unfortunately, the odds have not been in our favor yet, and every day it gets harder to keep my chin up.

Today is a sad day. There’s nothing anyone can say today that will make me feel better; I just need to be sad.