third time’s the charm?

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I feel like at this point, buying prego tests is just pointless, but I’m hoping that this month is the month. I didn’t have great fertile cervical fluid this month, but I had 2 days with semi-fertile looking fluid, so I’m really crossing my fingers that I ovulated. I’m on 150 mg of Clomid this month so it won’t be a good sign for our TTC journey if I don’t ovulate.

lack of coping skills

I’m having a more difficult time lately of putting my sadness aside when I should be happy for other people with babies. My nephew was born 3 weeks ago and whenever I hold him, I’m inevitably overcome with sadness. A bunch of people I know have been announcing that they’re pregnant, and I have some baby showers to attend in the next month. I think I’m doing a good job at hiding it from others, but inside I’m so sad. I’m trying to figure out how to cope with the sadness without it dampening every happy situation that involves babies or pregnancy.

no updates

There’s nothing much happening over here. Sextravaganza 2014 Part III began on Saturday and I’m keeping myself extra busy by doing home improvement and landscape projects in order to pass the time. Our kitchen cabinets were painted red by the previous home owner and the walls were gray, and so our kitchen felt really dark and dingy. We painted the walls a bright blue and are in the process of painting the cabinet dark brown. I’ve gotten 1/3 of the kitchen done and I’m loving the results so far! And we’ve been putting off landscaping our front yard for 2 years, and this weekend we finally bricked, planted bushes and laid new mulch down. I love how it looks!

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I don’t have any updates on the TTC process but I’m really hoping this month is the month. I’m (obviously) not getting my hopes up and am keeping myself busy so I don’t hyper-focus on it, but I can’t help but hope.

Clomid, Take 3

My period yesterday (and it brought with it all it’s pleasantries), which means that we’re officially starting our third cycle with Clomid. I’m excited/scared/nervous for this cycle. It’s not life or death that we be successful this time around, but it would be nice to have things go right. While we’re waiting for Sextravaganza 2014 (Part III) to begin, I’m busy hating my job (seriously, I’ve never been this miserable at a job before), job searching, finishing my kitchen project and trying to find some peace and quiet. My goals for this weekend are to apply for at least 1 job (I’ve applied for 4 jobs so far this week), finish 1/3 of the cabinets that still need to be painted, and relax for a bit with a book and coffee. We’ll see if it all happens 🙂

adoption whirlwind

I met with the only local adoption agency in our area today and I’m overwhelmed by it all. The costs, the hoops we have to jump through, the wait list, etc. It all hit me like a powerful wave and I felt like I was in over my head. The social worker was very sweet and explained everything so well, but the process is so lengthy and expensive and full of the unknown…I’m glad I know a little bit more about the process and what we could expect, but it’s definitely overwhelming. We’re going to take a couple of weeks to digest this info and then we’re attending a webinar on 4/27 with a national agency. So far I’m slightly terrified by the idea of adoption, but if that’s what’s in store for our future, then we’ll figure it out 🙂

taking advantage of waiting

I’m not a fan of waiting. I’ve said this several times before but it’s worth saying again. I hate the anxiety and roller coaster of emotions I go through while I’m waiting. However, I’m trying to take advantage of the free time I have while we’re waiting for something, anything, to happen. I took the last dose of Provera (to help me start my period) this morning so we have anywhere between 2-10 days before my cycle should start. In the mean time, I’m trying to complete a new project: painting our kitchen and kitchen cabinets. I finished painting the kitchen walls on Friday and started the cabinets yesterday. So far, it looks soooo nice, and I’m excited to have an updated and more modern looking kitchen. Here was me yesterday working hard:

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That blue in the background is the new wall color. The walls were gray before and our kitchen just felt dark and dingy. When I’m finished, the cabinets will be a dark espresso brown, which is a nice contrast against the blue walls!
Projects distract me from the emotions I go through while waiting for the meds to kick me or for a positive ovulation test result or for when we can take a pregnancy test. I go through so many emotions ranging from positivity and excitement to pessimism and sadness, so I’ll try anything that will help with the ups and downs. Anyone have any advice for how to not go crazy while waiting during the TTC process?

under and overwhelmed

I was told by my doctor that if I hadn’t started my period by yesterday (5 days late) to call so I can start the Provera and a new Clomid cycle. Surprise, surprise (sarcasm), my period never showed (and it still hasn’t made an appearance). I took a pregnancy test first thing yesterday because I knew the doc would ask me if I’d taken one and it very quickly displayed “not pregnant”. I called the doc yesterday and I was told to wait until this Thursday to start the Provera. She wants to make sure that I didn’t ovulate super late in my cycle and get pregnant. 1) we can’t even get pregnant when we’re actively trying so it’d be a miracle if we accidentally got pregnant due to late ovulation. 2) as my hubby said, “You’d think that a negative ovulation test, an ultrasound that showed no pregnancy and a body that just won’t cooperate would be enough to say you’re not pregnant.” But better safe than sorry. 3) enough with the waiting already! I’m not a very patient person when it comes to just waiting around so this process has been hard for me.

We’ve been diving into the adoption process. We’ve both sort of moved on emotionally. If we can get pregnant naturally, great! But we’re not obsessing over it anymore, and we’re very excited (and slightly terrified) about the adoption process. My biggest fear is the cost. We’ve got money to cover the home study ($2000) and application fee ($350) but we don’t have $12-14,000 just laying around for the placement fee. That’s a terrifying cost. There’s grants that we’re going to look into and we can fundraise, but I’m scared that people won’t react well to fundraising efforts. I’ve read horror stories about friends and family getting angry when an adoptive family hosts fundraising events for their adoption costs. I don’t want to piss off family and friends but we may end up needing to do fundraising events to help with the costs, especially if we can’t get any grants. We’re saving money as much as we can, but we’ll only have a little over half of the placement fee saved by January. It’s just scary thinking about spending $12-$14,000, even though it will be totally worth it!