have i mentioned how much i hate waiting?

I had my cycle day 21 blood test done today and I usually hear from my doctor the same day as the blood test, but I didn’t hear anything today. I actually kept my mind off of it for most of the day but now I’m consumed by wondering. I’m 90% sure that I didn’t ovulate but it would still be nice to know for sure. The two months that I have ovulated on Clomid (let’s not focus on how depressing it is that in a year of trying, I’ve only ovulated twice…), I’ve experienced GI issues (gas, constipation, general discomfort), sore and enlarged breasts, and headaches. This month, I’ve experienced none of these. I’m pretty bummed. My husband doesn’t want me to think so negatively, and I’m extremely thankful for his optimism, but I just can’t keep myself afloat. Some days I feel so stupid for being so consumed by this process and being depressed when another month goes by, but days like today I feel like my feelings are completely justified.

emotional-city

I haven’t felt any of the symptoms this month that I did the months that I ovulated. I’ve been trying not to focus on that fact, but when we were going to bed last night, I was overcome with sadness and emotions. I started crying and I couldn’t stop, and although I’ve stopped crying, the strong emotions are still here. I just feel so down, pessimistic and sad and I can’t get myself to feel better.

cycle day 16

Today is cycle day 16 and I don’t have much to report. I haven’t gotten a positive ovulation test yet, but I’m holding onto hope that it will happen this month. I’m scared that my body is following a pattern. Month 1 on Clomid 100mg I ovulated and month 2 on the same dosage, I didn’t ovulate. Month 3 my doc upped it to Clomid 150mg and I ovulated but didn’t get pregnant. This is month 4 and I’m on the same dosage as last month, and I’m scared that I’m not going to ovulate. My doctor says we can keep trying with Clomid through the full 6 months, but if I don’t ovulate this month, things won’t be looking so good for us. I don’t want to work with a fertility specialist so we decided that we’ll keep trying with Clomid for the full 6 months and if nothing good happens, we’ll keep trying naturally until we can afford adoption. I try very hard to stay in the present moment and not get too caught up with the what-ifs of the future, but some days that’s hard (including today).

silence

It’s been a week of silence on the blog, which is good because that means I’ve been crazy busy! Here’s what you’ve missed over the last week:

1) I found out on Tuesday that I got the marketing internship that I really, really wanted! To top it off, if they like me enough after 60-90 days, they will bring me on permanently as a marketing designer! I’m so excited! I was also contacted on Monday about being a freelance writer for my city. My hometown is starting a website dedicated to all of the improvements and changes the city is making (my city is really starting to become a cool and innovative place) and they need writers to write the stories and blog updates, and I was chosen to be one of those writers!

2) I started my 4th cycle of using Clomid last Friday. Today is cycle day 10 and so we begin Sextravaganza 2014 Part IV. I caved and bought ovulation tests (at the suggestion of my doc) but as of this morning, I have not ovulated yet. I’m on the highest dose of Clomid that my doc can give me, so I really hope I ovulate again this month.

3) I’m so ridiculously close to being done with my kitchen project! I have one tiny area to finish still (I’m officially done with all the doors!) this weekend and then I am done! Our kitchen will have made a complete and utter transformation by the time I’m done and I’m so happy with the (almost) finished product!

4) I only broke down and cried once this week, and it was only for a few seconds! This is progress, people!

“i got my period cheesecake”

I call this “I Got My Period Cheesecake”. Yes, I may be overdoing it with my coping-with-infertility-by-eating strategy, but it tastes so good, and I exercise every day, so I really don’t feel bad about it. The recipe comes from my friend Steph, but I don’t feel comfortable sharing the recipe because it’s a family recipes of hers, but you can check out some of the amazing stuff she cooks up at her blog Steph’s Table For One.

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no bake cookies

I call these my “No Bake, I think I’m Getting My Period Cookies”

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No bake cookies are a treat that I’ve been making/eating since I was a little girl. I remember when my mom taught me how to make them, and when my sisters and I would make them together and then eat ALL of them, and when I made them for my husband (who was only my boyfriend at the time) for the first time. They are so bad for you (butter, milk, sugar, cocoa, peanut butter–I substituted PB2–and oatmeal) but they bring me comfort and remind me of fond memories, so I’m eating no-bake cookies to cope with the fact that I’m pretty sure my period is here. Is that the healthiest way to deal? No, but it is the most delicious way!

think happy thoughts

Today is cycle day 26 and I’m getting very nervous about testing. I’ve felt the disappointment that comes with only seeing one pink line instead of two so many times, but the disappointment doesn’t hurt any less as time passes. I’m planning on testing on Friday if I haven’t gotten my period by then. The last month that I ovulated, my period came right on schedule, so I’m guessing that if I’m not pregnant, my period will be here by Wednesday or Thursday. I’m trying very hard to distract myself so that I don’t focus on testing all week. I’ve got an interview for a marketing internship this afternoon and I’m really excited about that. If I could manage to score this internship, I would learn about not just marketing but also advertising and PR, and that’s really intriguing/exciting for me! I’m trying to put my energy and focus into things that are good for me, like this interview, going on a bike ride with my husband after dinner, and finishing my kitchen cabinet project (yes, I’m still working on that, but I’m so close to being done!). Hopefully this week will fly by and I’ll get some good news (about the internship or pregnancy) by the end of the week.

wins all around

I did ovulate this month! Ignore me doing my happy dance over here! I was convinced I had ovulated so I was really happy and relieved when the nurse told me. I also spoke to my doctor today about some of my other fears and concerns and here’s what I found out:

1) I DO have eggs in my normal shape and sized ovaries
2) my ovaries are clear of any masses and I do not have ovarian cancer (family history of ovarian cancer=terrified me)
3) my Thyroid, estrogen levels and blood sugar are all “beyond normal”
4) I have no symptoms of PCOS

Basically my doctor said that aside from my cycles being off and not ovulating every month, I’m in perfect health. I’ll take it!

On top of receiving good news from my doc, I also got contacted about 2 marketing internships that I applied for! This is fantastic news because I really can’t get a job in marketing until I’ve done an internship. I’m pretty happy with today thus far!