final update (for now)

I wanted to take a moment to thank everyone who has listened, read and supported on this blog over the past year. I started this blog as a way to vent, and it has become a source of comfort and support. I also thought that since you all have been there for me through this journey, I should let you know about the update with our trying to conceive journey.

We have decided to stop trying. Why? Let me list the reasons:

1) The support we receive from most of our family really translates to pressure. I have a few family members who just want me to be happy, child or not, but a lot of my husband’s and my family have been pressuring us to get pregnant as soon as possible (while disguising that pressure as support), and that’s hard to handle after a while.
2) The stress of trying to get pregnant has gotten to be too much. We promised ourselves that we would not let this process ruin our relationship, and it was starting to negatively affect our marriage. We were snipping at each other all the time, unable to enjoy the little things, and we were constantly worried about whether this or that would prevent us from getting pregnant. That stress just isn’t worth it right now.
3) I’ve put my body through so much physical turmoil over the past year, and I’m ready to have my body back. I’m so tired of the headaches, bloating and gas, and horrible acne, and while this may sound selfish, I’m over feeling bad half of each month.
4) We are both exhausted from all of the waiting. We wait for my period to come, then we wait for the Clomid to kick in, then we wait to have sex on the right days, then we have to wait to find out whether or not I ovulated, then we have to wait to take a pregnancy test, and then the cycle starts all over again. People underestimate how difficult it is to be in a perpetual state of waiting.
5) We have a lot going on right now (my husband just recently started a new job and he’s starting to take more responsibility on there, I just accepted a new position, plus we’ve got a million home improvement projects to do) and, if we’re really honest with ourselves, we already don’t have a lot of time for ourselves and to do the things we love to do, so we’ve realized that trying to hurry this process is silly.

All of this may seem selfish to others, but we have to do what’s right for us, and if we have even a small feeling of doubt, this is clearly not the right time to have a baby. Again, I want to thank you all for following our journey and being supportive through this journey. This doesn’t necessarily mean it’s the end for our journey; just look at it as us pausing our journey. Sometime in the future we’ll press play again.

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5th Cycle Begins

I started my period today so that means cycle 4 on Clomid didn’t do the trick. The intense pain I experience during my periods seems like a weird, cruel reminder that my body failed me yet again. 

I’ve been really depressed the past few weeks and this past week was a bad one. I’ve been crying a lot and I can’t seem to pull myself out of the hole I’m in. It’s not just our fertility struggles, in fact, it’s mostly not our fertility struggles. The main thing I’m struggling with is my job. Every day I get more exhausted (emotionally and physically) at my job, and then I have a hard time feeling happy when I leave work for the day, and then it starts all over again the next day. My sadness has been putting tension between my husband and me, and we got into a fight about it yesterday. It wasn’t anything horrible, but it was our first fight where we really talked about how we feel about our fertility problems. What we found out is that we’re both in different places and have different thoughts about our struggle and neither of us have really been open about it. My husband wants to bottle everything up and move on while still trying, and I want to be able to talk about how I’m feeling and acknowledge my pain, and I’m not sure if I want to keep trying with Clomid. However, we came to the decision that we will try not to focus on our struggles, keep trying with Clomid for the next 2 cycles, and then, if nothing positive happens after the next 2 cycles, we’ll start saving for adoption.

It was good to hash things out and find out where each other is at, but I hated fighting about it. I don’t want to be one of those couples that allows infertility to drive a wedge between them, and fighting about it freaked me out. I just want to continue to be happy with my husband, and I think infertility is starting to really negatively affect our relationship, and I hate that.

1 year later

May 18th marked 1 year of trying. My husband was totally clueless and told me that he thought we started trying in August! Either way, the day passed with no significance and we both forgot about the official 1 year marker until today. My brother-in-law got married this past weekend and everything that being in a wedding, singing for the same wedding, and making 50 cupcakes for the rehearsal dinner entails kept us pretty busy! Now I’m turning my attention towards something else to continue my pattern of distracting myself. My progesterone test came back this month as a 6.6, which is high enough to not definitely rule out ovulation, but also isn’t high enough to definitely say that I ovulated. So, to keep myself distracted from the inevitable disappointment, I’m focusing on planning our 5th anniversary, which is coming up in August! We’re going to be taking a 4 day vacation to Charleston, SC and staying on Folly Beach over Labor Day weekend, as long as my husband’s leave gets approve, and I’m sooooo excited! Nothing but sitting on the beach, eating delicious southern food, and going to Fort Sumter!