5th Cycle Begins

I started my period today so that means cycle 4 on Clomid didn’t do the trick. The intense pain I experience during my periods seems like a weird, cruel reminder that my body failed me yet again. 

I’ve been really depressed the past few weeks and this past week was a bad one. I’ve been crying a lot and I can’t seem to pull myself out of the hole I’m in. It’s not just our fertility struggles, in fact, it’s mostly not our fertility struggles. The main thing I’m struggling with is my job. Every day I get more exhausted (emotionally and physically) at my job, and then I have a hard time feeling happy when I leave work for the day, and then it starts all over again the next day. My sadness has been putting tension between my husband and me, and we got into a fight about it yesterday. It wasn’t anything horrible, but it was our first fight where we really talked about how we feel about our fertility problems. What we found out is that we’re both in different places and have different thoughts about our struggle and neither of us have really been open about it. My husband wants to bottle everything up and move on while still trying, and I want to be able to talk about how I’m feeling and acknowledge my pain, and I’m not sure if I want to keep trying with Clomid. However, we came to the decision that we will try not to focus on our struggles, keep trying with Clomid for the next 2 cycles, and then, if nothing positive happens after the next 2 cycles, we’ll start saving for adoption.

It was good to hash things out and find out where each other is at, but I hated fighting about it. I don’t want to be one of those couples that allows infertility to drive a wedge between them, and fighting about it freaked me out. I just want to continue to be happy with my husband, and I think infertility is starting to really negatively affect our relationship, and I hate that.

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