final update (for now)

I wanted to take a moment to thank everyone who has listened, read and supported on this blog over the past year. I started this blog as a way to vent, and it has become a source of comfort and support. I also thought that since you all have been there for me through this journey, I should let you know about the update with our trying to conceive journey.

We have decided to stop trying. Why? Let me list the reasons:

1) The support we receive from most of our family really translates to pressure. I have a few family members who just want me to be happy, child or not, but a lot of my husband’s and my family have been pressuring us to get pregnant as soon as possible (while disguising that pressure as support), and that’s hard to handle after a while.
2) The stress of trying to get pregnant has gotten to be too much. We promised ourselves that we would not let this process ruin our relationship, and it was starting to negatively affect our marriage. We were snipping at each other all the time, unable to enjoy the little things, and we were constantly worried about whether this or that would prevent us from getting pregnant. That stress just isn’t worth it right now.
3) I’ve put my body through so much physical turmoil over the past year, and I’m ready to have my body back. I’m so tired of the headaches, bloating and gas, and horrible acne, and while this may sound selfish, I’m over feeling bad half of each month.
4) We are both exhausted from all of the waiting. We wait for my period to come, then we wait for the Clomid to kick in, then we wait to have sex on the right days, then we have to wait to find out whether or not I ovulated, then we have to wait to take a pregnancy test, and then the cycle starts all over again. People underestimate how difficult it is to be in a perpetual state of waiting.
5) We have a lot going on right now (my husband just recently started a new job and he’s starting to take more responsibility on there, I just accepted a new position, plus we’ve got a million home improvement projects to do) and, if we’re really honest with ourselves, we already don’t have a lot of time for ourselves and to do the things we love to do, so we’ve realized that trying to hurry this process is silly.

All of this may seem selfish to others, but we have to do what’s right for us, and if we have even a small feeling of doubt, this is clearly not the right time to have a baby. Again, I want to thank you all for following our journey and being supportive through this journey. This doesn’t necessarily mean it’s the end for our journey; just look at it as us pausing our journey. Sometime in the future we’ll press play again.

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5th Cycle Begins

I started my period today so that means cycle 4 on Clomid didn’t do the trick. The intense pain I experience during my periods seems like a weird, cruel reminder that my body failed me yet again. 

I’ve been really depressed the past few weeks and this past week was a bad one. I’ve been crying a lot and I can’t seem to pull myself out of the hole I’m in. It’s not just our fertility struggles, in fact, it’s mostly not our fertility struggles. The main thing I’m struggling with is my job. Every day I get more exhausted (emotionally and physically) at my job, and then I have a hard time feeling happy when I leave work for the day, and then it starts all over again the next day. My sadness has been putting tension between my husband and me, and we got into a fight about it yesterday. It wasn’t anything horrible, but it was our first fight where we really talked about how we feel about our fertility problems. What we found out is that we’re both in different places and have different thoughts about our struggle and neither of us have really been open about it. My husband wants to bottle everything up and move on while still trying, and I want to be able to talk about how I’m feeling and acknowledge my pain, and I’m not sure if I want to keep trying with Clomid. However, we came to the decision that we will try not to focus on our struggles, keep trying with Clomid for the next 2 cycles, and then, if nothing positive happens after the next 2 cycles, we’ll start saving for adoption.

It was good to hash things out and find out where each other is at, but I hated fighting about it. I don’t want to be one of those couples that allows infertility to drive a wedge between them, and fighting about it freaked me out. I just want to continue to be happy with my husband, and I think infertility is starting to really negatively affect our relationship, and I hate that.

1 year later

May 18th marked 1 year of trying. My husband was totally clueless and told me that he thought we started trying in August! Either way, the day passed with no significance and we both forgot about the official 1 year marker until today. My brother-in-law got married this past weekend and everything that being in a wedding, singing for the same wedding, and making 50 cupcakes for the rehearsal dinner entails kept us pretty busy! Now I’m turning my attention towards something else to continue my pattern of distracting myself. My progesterone test came back this month as a 6.6, which is high enough to not definitely rule out ovulation, but also isn’t high enough to definitely say that I ovulated. So, to keep myself distracted from the inevitable disappointment, I’m focusing on planning our 5th anniversary, which is coming up in August! We’re going to be taking a 4 day vacation to Charleston, SC and staying on Folly Beach over Labor Day weekend, as long as my husband’s leave gets approve, and I’m sooooo excited! Nothing but sitting on the beach, eating delicious southern food, and going to Fort Sumter!

have i mentioned how much i hate waiting?

I had my cycle day 21 blood test done today and I usually hear from my doctor the same day as the blood test, but I didn’t hear anything today. I actually kept my mind off of it for most of the day but now I’m consumed by wondering. I’m 90% sure that I didn’t ovulate but it would still be nice to know for sure. The two months that I have ovulated on Clomid (let’s not focus on how depressing it is that in a year of trying, I’ve only ovulated twice…), I’ve experienced GI issues (gas, constipation, general discomfort), sore and enlarged breasts, and headaches. This month, I’ve experienced none of these. I’m pretty bummed. My husband doesn’t want me to think so negatively, and I’m extremely thankful for his optimism, but I just can’t keep myself afloat. Some days I feel so stupid for being so consumed by this process and being depressed when another month goes by, but days like today I feel like my feelings are completely justified.

emotional-city

I haven’t felt any of the symptoms this month that I did the months that I ovulated. I’ve been trying not to focus on that fact, but when we were going to bed last night, I was overcome with sadness and emotions. I started crying and I couldn’t stop, and although I’ve stopped crying, the strong emotions are still here. I just feel so down, pessimistic and sad and I can’t get myself to feel better.

cycle day 16

Today is cycle day 16 and I don’t have much to report. I haven’t gotten a positive ovulation test yet, but I’m holding onto hope that it will happen this month. I’m scared that my body is following a pattern. Month 1 on Clomid 100mg I ovulated and month 2 on the same dosage, I didn’t ovulate. Month 3 my doc upped it to Clomid 150mg and I ovulated but didn’t get pregnant. This is month 4 and I’m on the same dosage as last month, and I’m scared that I’m not going to ovulate. My doctor says we can keep trying with Clomid through the full 6 months, but if I don’t ovulate this month, things won’t be looking so good for us. I don’t want to work with a fertility specialist so we decided that we’ll keep trying with Clomid for the full 6 months and if nothing good happens, we’ll keep trying naturally until we can afford adoption. I try very hard to stay in the present moment and not get too caught up with the what-ifs of the future, but some days that’s hard (including today).

silence

It’s been a week of silence on the blog, which is good because that means I’ve been crazy busy! Here’s what you’ve missed over the last week:

1) I found out on Tuesday that I got the marketing internship that I really, really wanted! To top it off, if they like me enough after 60-90 days, they will bring me on permanently as a marketing designer! I’m so excited! I was also contacted on Monday about being a freelance writer for my city. My hometown is starting a website dedicated to all of the improvements and changes the city is making (my city is really starting to become a cool and innovative place) and they need writers to write the stories and blog updates, and I was chosen to be one of those writers!

2) I started my 4th cycle of using Clomid last Friday. Today is cycle day 10 and so we begin Sextravaganza 2014 Part IV. I caved and bought ovulation tests (at the suggestion of my doc) but as of this morning, I have not ovulated yet. I’m on the highest dose of Clomid that my doc can give me, so I really hope I ovulate again this month.

3) I’m so ridiculously close to being done with my kitchen project! I have one tiny area to finish still (I’m officially done with all the doors!) this weekend and then I am done! Our kitchen will have made a complete and utter transformation by the time I’m done and I’m so happy with the (almost) finished product!

4) I only broke down and cried once this week, and it was only for a few seconds! This is progress, people!

“i got my period cheesecake”

I call this “I Got My Period Cheesecake”. Yes, I may be overdoing it with my coping-with-infertility-by-eating strategy, but it tastes so good, and I exercise every day, so I really don’t feel bad about it. The recipe comes from my friend Steph, but I don’t feel comfortable sharing the recipe because it’s a family recipes of hers, but you can check out some of the amazing stuff she cooks up at her blog Steph’s Table For One.

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no bake cookies

I call these my “No Bake, I think I’m Getting My Period Cookies”

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No bake cookies are a treat that I’ve been making/eating since I was a little girl. I remember when my mom taught me how to make them, and when my sisters and I would make them together and then eat ALL of them, and when I made them for my husband (who was only my boyfriend at the time) for the first time. They are so bad for you (butter, milk, sugar, cocoa, peanut butter–I substituted PB2–and oatmeal) but they bring me comfort and remind me of fond memories, so I’m eating no-bake cookies to cope with the fact that I’m pretty sure my period is here. Is that the healthiest way to deal? No, but it is the most delicious way!