1 year later

May 18th marked 1 year of trying. My husband was totally clueless and told me that he thought we started trying in August! Either way, the day passed with no significance and we both forgot about the official 1 year marker until today. My brother-in-law got married this past weekend and everything that being in a wedding, singing for the same wedding, and making 50 cupcakes for the rehearsal dinner entails kept us pretty busy! Now I’m turning my attention towards something else to continue my pattern of distracting myself. My progesterone test came back this month as a 6.6, which is high enough to not definitely rule out ovulation, but also isn’t high enough to definitely say that I ovulated. So, to keep myself distracted from the inevitable disappointment, I’m focusing on planning our 5th anniversary, which is coming up in August! We’re going to be taking a 4 day vacation to Charleston, SC and staying on Folly Beach over Labor Day weekend, as long as my husband’s leave gets approve, and I’m sooooo excited! Nothing but sitting on the beach, eating delicious southern food, and going to Fort Sumter!

dreams vs reality

I have been having a lot of dreams about menstruating and getting positive pregnancy tests lately, like a lot. I have been trying this whole positive affirmation thing where I repeat positive mantras to myself like, “You will be fertile this month,” or “You will at least get your period this month”. I’m a firm believer that you can convince your body to do something if you try hard enough, so I’m trying hard to think positively and convince my body to do something. Anything will do at this point. A period, cramping, fertile cervical fluid; just something! So yes, needless to say, I have been having a lot of dreams about getting my period and getting positive prego tests. In one dream, I started my period and I did a dance of joy in my bathroom, and then made my husband come into the bathroom with me to dance for joy! The only really bad thing about those dreams is waking up and realizing that I haven’t had my period in 6 months (and it’s showing no signs of making an appearance any time soon) and also remembering that I’m still not pregnant.

This whole “my reproductive system is in hibernation” thing is making this whole “trying to conceive” thing a whole lot more difficult. Like my husband said the other night, “We might as well go back to having sex strictly for fun, because until we have some sign that your body would like to cooperate, we aren’t going to conceive.” And he’s right. Until my hormones get back on track, we’re powerless. Hormones imbalanced = no ovulation = no egg = no pregnancy, no matter how much we do it. I know that not being pregnant yet is not the end of the world, especially since we’ve only been trying for 6 months, but with every passing month, it gets harder to remain optimistic. Especially when people keep saying things like, “Well, there’s always adoption or surrogacy”. Yes, I know those things are out there and I’m completely open to them (I have always wanted to adopt), but I’m just not quite ready to admit defeat, and that’s what this feels like: defeat.

Like I said earlier though, I’m trying very hard to remain positive with myself. I may have a good cry here and there, but positivity is going to win in the end. I need to remain positive until we’re told that we absolutely won’t be able to conceive, and even then, I’ll just have to remain positive about surrogacy or adoption 🙂

5 month blues.

It’s been a little over 5 months since we started trying. I have to schedule a doctor’s appointment soon to get more blood tests done to check my hormone levels. I went to the doctor 3 months ago and had an annual exam and a blood test done to check my hormones. According to my doctor, my cervix and cervical mucus looked great, and my blood work came back with “nothing alarming”.  However, I’ve now been 5 months without a period or any signs of normalcy in my reproductive organs and, obviously, I’m still not pregnant. I’m one of those people who would rather just know if something is wrong, and this is no exception. I would rather know as soon as possible if I can’t have kids instead of trying for a year and then finding out. Hopefully after getting more blood work done, I’ll have some answers. The only really crappy part about potentially not being able to have kids (I know I’m getting ahead of myself, but I have to think about these things to mentally prepare myself) is that we are just barely too young to adopt from most agencies and too broke to pay for infertility treatments. I’m crossing my fingers that I can have children and my body is still just adjusting to not having artificial hormones. Here’s hoping!

cramps…could it be?

On the 22nd, we began our 2 weeks of eating primarily fruits and veggies (although I may extend it past 2 weeks because I’m feeling so good!). My main hope is that eating healthier will help my hormones balance out a little bit, and for the last 4 days, I’ve been experiencing cramps. Like actual cramps, coming from my uterus! Could my hormones finally be balancing out and my body be doing what it’s supposed to?? I don’t want to get ahead of myself, but I can’t help but get giddy at the prospect of finally getting my body back!

Even if the cramps aren’t a sign of ovulation or an impending period, eating healthier has had its pluses: I’ve lost 5 pounds! 🙂

developments and dilemmas.

As much as birth control has been a blessing for me (keeping me from missing school because of horrible cramps, keeping my undies from constantly being stained due to extremely heavy bleeding and, obviously, helping me prevent pregnancy before I was ready), its now becoming a pain in my trying-to-conceive ass! After some blood tests and exams from my OB-GYN, we’ve found out that 10 years of using artificial hormones has caused my body to go into birth control withdrawal. I’m experiencing mood swings, hair growth in places I’ve never grown hair, and no periods. My body is trying to learn how to produce its own hormones and find balance, and in the meantime, I’m having a difficult time conceiving. This is very disappointing for me, and now I’m starting to kick myself for taking birth control for so long. Why did I wait until I was almost 24 to learn about my reproductive system and how birth control affects it??
It’s officially been 3 months of trying to conceive and while that doesn’t seem long, when people know you’re trying to conceive and ask constant questions like, “What are you doing to try?” 3 months can seem like forever. Every month we’re not pregnant gives us more time to prepare, I get that; but there seems to be more and more pressure for us to “hurry up and get pregnant,” and I’m starting to feel more sad, frustrated and stressed out with every negative pregnancy test. In fact, it’s become tradition to drink a glass of wine when we get a negative test. But hey–at least we’re looking out for our heart health too! I know that this experience is about us, but the comments and questions from others are really starting to get to me. Any thoughts or advice? Should I just start telling everyone we’re no longer trying? 😉