Today is cycle day 16 and I don’t have much to report. I haven’t gotten a positive ovulation test yet, but I’m holding onto hope that it will happen this month. I’m scared that my body is following a pattern. Month 1 on Clomid 100mg I ovulated and month 2 on the same dosage, I didn’t ovulate. Month 3 my doc upped it to Clomid 150mg and I ovulated but didn’t get pregnant. This is month 4 and I’m on the same dosage as last month, and I’m scared that I’m not going to ovulate. My doctor says we can keep trying with Clomid through the full 6 months, but if I don’t ovulate this month, things won’t be looking so good for us. I don’t want to work with a fertility specialist so we decided that we’ll keep trying with Clomid for the full 6 months and if nothing good happens, we’ll keep trying naturally until we can afford adoption. I try very hard to stay in the present moment and not get too caught up with the what-ifs of the future, but some days that’s hard (including today).
I did ovulate this month! Ignore me doing my happy dance over here! I was convinced I had ovulated so I was really happy and relieved when the nurse told me. I also spoke to my doctor today about some of my other fears and concerns and here’s what I found out:
1) I DO have eggs in my normal shape and sized ovaries
2) my ovaries are clear of any masses and I do not have ovarian cancer (family history of ovarian cancer=terrified me)
3) my Thyroid, estrogen levels and blood sugar are all “beyond normal”
4) I have no symptoms of PCOS
Basically my doctor said that aside from my cycles being off and not ovulating every month, I’m in perfect health. I’ll take it!
On top of receiving good news from my doc, I also got contacted about 2 marketing internships that I applied for! This is fantastic news because I really can’t get a job in marketing until I’ve done an internship. I’m pretty happy with today thus far!
I was told by my doctor that if I hadn’t started my period by yesterday (5 days late) to call so I can start the Provera and a new Clomid cycle. Surprise, surprise (sarcasm), my period never showed (and it still hasn’t made an appearance). I took a pregnancy test first thing yesterday because I knew the doc would ask me if I’d taken one and it very quickly displayed “not pregnant”. I called the doc yesterday and I was told to wait until this Thursday to start the Provera. She wants to make sure that I didn’t ovulate super late in my cycle and get pregnant. 1) we can’t even get pregnant when we’re actively trying so it’d be a miracle if we accidentally got pregnant due to late ovulation. 2) as my hubby said, “You’d think that a negative ovulation test, an ultrasound that showed no pregnancy and a body that just won’t cooperate would be enough to say you’re not pregnant.” But better safe than sorry. 3) enough with the waiting already! I’m not a very patient person when it comes to just waiting around so this process has been hard for me.
We’ve been diving into the adoption process. We’ve both sort of moved on emotionally. If we can get pregnant naturally, great! But we’re not obsessing over it anymore, and we’re very excited (and slightly terrified) about the adoption process. My biggest fear is the cost. We’ve got money to cover the home study ($2000) and application fee ($350) but we don’t have $12-14,000 just laying around for the placement fee. That’s a terrifying cost. There’s grants that we’re going to look into and we can fundraise, but I’m scared that people won’t react well to fundraising efforts. I’ve read horror stories about friends and family getting angry when an adoptive family hosts fundraising events for their adoption costs. I don’t want to piss off family and friends but we may end up needing to do fundraising events to help with the costs, especially if we can’t get any grants. We’re saving money as much as we can, but we’ll only have a little over half of the placement fee saved by January. It’s just scary thinking about spending $12-$14,000, even though it will be totally worth it!
There’s always a time each month, about a week and a half after we find out that once again nothing is going right, that I start to feel positive again. Yesterday I started getting my positivity back. I told my mom yesterday that we are giving the meds one more month before we are going to focus our energy on adoption and she took it so well (so much better than I feared). Then I took my dogs on a walk and the sun was shining, the air smelled clean and fresh, and all of a sudden I felt positivity wash over me. I realized that this is not the end of the world; it’s a change in direction. Adopting is Plan B and that’s ok. I’m actually excited to move forward with this journey and see where this new road leads us. I keep thinking about and repeating my husband’s words to me: “I just want to start a family with you. I don’t care how we have to do it.”
One of the biggest things I’m struggling with right now is my fear of appearing selfish. I’m so down right now because I keep dwelling on the negative in our situation and I so badly want to work through the feelings of sadness and anger that I’m currently feeling, but I fear that I will appear selfish. For example, I don’t want to continue taking the Clomid unsuccessfully after next month. It’s too hard on me emotionally to hope and be optimistic for the first 3/4 of the month only to be crushed during the last week of the month. No one quite seems to understand this. I keep hearing, “Just keep trying on the Clomid; it can’t hurt.” While I understand that rationale, it doesn’t make the feelings of failure and sadness easier to handle. I don’t want people to think that I’m selfish for protecting myself and saying enough is enough. I don’t want to be judged or for people to think that I don’t really want this. I desperately want this; I really, really do. But I’m also struggling with this pain and fear of the unknown, and I guess I just want someone to say that that’s ok. I want to know that not being strong all the time in the face of infertility is alright. I want my feelings validated and I don’t want to be told to move on. I will move on when I’m ready, but today I’m in mourning. I know that next month things could possibly turn around, but I’m having a very hard time finding optimism in our situation. I’ll get there; I’m just not there today.
On another note, I had my ultrasound today and the technician told me that although the doctor will have to look the images over to be absolutely sure, she thought my uterus and ovaries looked healthy and were the correct shapes and sizes. She also said I have great blood flow to my ovaries. While I’m slightly bummed that the ultrasound didn’t provide any answers, I’m grateful that everything looked healthy.
- Ultrasound on Friday
Look into infertility support groups
- Look into adoption information meetings
- Wait for more answers from my doctor
Call insurance company to find out about coverage for fertility specialist
- Work on manners and better behavior with our dogs
- Start learning about adoption
- I’ve scoured the internet for information about infertility support groups in my town and the surrounding areas and I’m not finding much. I could travel 45 minutes for a support group, but we’ll see how badly I feel I need one.
- I called our insurance company today and the conversation went like this:
Me: “I’m wondering if my insurance covers fertility specialist services.”
Insurance Rep: “Let’s see…yes, it looks like you have infertility coverage. Wait…you have coverage for everything except infertility procedures, such as IVF. Wait…only seeing the infertility specialist is covered.”
Me: “So basically only the actual interaction with the specialist is covered?”
Insurance Rep: “Yes…I’m sorry.”
Really it’s alright that my insurance doesn’t cover infertility services because that just confirms our decision to go with adoption if we can’t get pregnant this last cycle of using Clomid.
- I contacted a family friend today who adopted her two children and picked her brain about the details of domestic adoption (we’re leaning towards domestic adoption). It was very helpful and we’re planning on having coffee or doing dinner to talk more. If we for sure decide to pursue adoption, we won’t be applying for adoption until the fall, probably around September. We’re supposed to take a trip to see my sister and her family in Germany in the fall or winter, and we’re still planning on doing that because we should have enough saved up at that point to see them and pay for a homestudy.
- We started reviewing what our dogs learned in obedience classes so that we can refine our dogs’ manners and good behavior. We would like to have very well-behaved and obedient dogs if we have a homestudy and for when we eventually bring a child home and, although our dogs are relatively well behaved, they have their quirks (including getting much too excited about people coming to our house). Today we worked on sitting and staying when we go to the front door. We practiced staying even if the doorbell rings and they all did relatively well. Our plan is to spend 10-15 minutes working on this daily until our dogs are well behaved no matter who is at the door or who comes into our home.
No ovulation this cycle. I knew when it was my actual doctor calling, and not her nurse, that something was not right. My doctor gave me a few options: Get an ultrasound done to make sure my uterus and ovaries are healthy, try another cycle of Clomid on 150 mg (the highest dose she can give me) to see if I’ll ovulate, and call my insurance company and ask about coverage of infertility services. She basically said that if my ultrasound comes back normal and the next cycle of Clomid doesn’t help me ovulate, we will have exhausted our options with working with her and we should seek services from a fertility specialist, if that’s the route we want to take. We have talked several times about working with a fertility specialist and we both agree that it’s not something we want to do. I will call my insurance company tomorrow to see if my insurance covers infertility treatment, just in case we change our mind. I have an ultrasound scheduled for this Friday morning to check out my reproductive goods, and hopefully all is normal and healthy. We also plan on trying with Clomid one more cycle. If I ovulate next cycle with the higher dosage of Clomid (and don’t get pregnant), we will try again the next cycle. However, my husband and I both agree that the emotional strain this journey has caused us is becoming harder and harder to bear, so we’re limiting how much more trying we’re going to do.
My to-do list in the meantime:
- Ultrasound on Friday
- Look into infertility support groups
- Look into adoption information meetings
- Wait for more answers from my doctor
I should listen to my body, mood and gut feeling more. I took a pregnancy test this morning since my period was due tomorrow, and it was negative. I think this was one of the most disappointing negatives yet because I felt so optimistic, so sure that I’d be pregnant this month. Then, when I got to work, I realized that I’d started my period. I just sat there, unable to process that another month has gone by and we’re still not pregnant. For those of you keeping track, that’s 10 months of trying. I know that it hasn’t even been a year but it’s a lot of months of disappointment and sadness. My husband and I made the realization the other day that if we had been able to get pregnant our first month of trying, we would have had a baby by now. That’s kind of strange to think about.
I’m just so sad and angry that my body has failed me yet again. I feel like a failure and I don’t know what to do but just be sad. I’m trying to remember that I’m not dying, this is just infertility, but I feel like a little piece of me dies every time I see a negative pregnancy test.
This blog post has made it’s rounds on Facebook and Twitter but I also wanted to share it here because I think the author does a good job of expressing how hard infertility can be for both partners. Take a few minutes and enjoy: