Today is cycle day 16 and I don’t have much to report. I haven’t gotten a positive ovulation test yet, but I’m holding onto hope that it will happen this month. I’m scared that my body is following a pattern. Month 1 on Clomid 100mg I ovulated and month 2 on the same dosage, I didn’t ovulate. Month 3 my doc upped it to Clomid 150mg and I ovulated but didn’t get pregnant. This is month 4 and I’m on the same dosage as last month, and I’m scared that I’m not going to ovulate. My doctor says we can keep trying with Clomid through the full 6 months, but if I don’t ovulate this month, things won’t be looking so good for us. I don’t want to work with a fertility specialist so we decided that we’ll keep trying with Clomid for the full 6 months and if nothing good happens, we’ll keep trying naturally until we can afford adoption. I try very hard to stay in the present moment and not get too caught up with the what-ifs of the future, but some days that’s hard (including today).
It’s been a week of silence on the blog, which is good because that means I’ve been crazy busy! Here’s what you’ve missed over the last week:
1) I found out on Tuesday that I got the marketing internship that I really, really wanted! To top it off, if they like me enough after 60-90 days, they will bring me on permanently as a marketing designer! I’m so excited! I was also contacted on Monday about being a freelance writer for my city. My hometown is starting a website dedicated to all of the improvements and changes the city is making (my city is really starting to become a cool and innovative place) and they need writers to write the stories and blog updates, and I was chosen to be one of those writers!
2) I started my 4th cycle of using Clomid last Friday. Today is cycle day 10 and so we begin Sextravaganza 2014 Part IV. I caved and bought ovulation tests (at the suggestion of my doc) but as of this morning, I have not ovulated yet. I’m on the highest dose of Clomid that my doc can give me, so I really hope I ovulate again this month.
3) I’m so ridiculously close to being done with my kitchen project! I have one tiny area to finish still (I’m officially done with all the doors!) this weekend and then I am done! Our kitchen will have made a complete and utter transformation by the time I’m done and I’m so happy with the (almost) finished product!
4) I only broke down and cried once this week, and it was only for a few seconds! This is progress, people!
“Periods are stupid! ‘Inside, I’m dreaming of ice cream, but on the outside, I’m ripping your throat out!'” -my husband
Today is cycle day 26 and I’m getting very nervous about testing. I’ve felt the disappointment that comes with only seeing one pink line instead of two so many times, but the disappointment doesn’t hurt any less as time passes. I’m planning on testing on Friday if I haven’t gotten my period by then. The last month that I ovulated, my period came right on schedule, so I’m guessing that if I’m not pregnant, my period will be here by Wednesday or Thursday. I’m trying very hard to distract myself so that I don’t focus on testing all week. I’ve got an interview for a marketing internship this afternoon and I’m really excited about that. If I could manage to score this internship, I would learn about not just marketing but also advertising and PR, and that’s really intriguing/exciting for me! I’m trying to put my energy and focus into things that are good for me, like this interview, going on a bike ride with my husband after dinner, and finishing my kitchen cabinet project (yes, I’m still working on that, but I’m so close to being done!). Hopefully this week will fly by and I’ll get some good news (about the internship or pregnancy) by the end of the week.
I feel like at this point, buying prego tests is just pointless, but I’m hoping that this month is the month. I didn’t have great fertile cervical fluid this month, but I had 2 days with semi-fertile looking fluid, so I’m really crossing my fingers that I ovulated. I’m on 150 mg of Clomid this month so it won’t be a good sign for our TTC journey if I don’t ovulate.
There’s nothing much happening over here. Sextravaganza 2014 Part III began on Saturday and I’m keeping myself extra busy by doing home improvement and landscape projects in order to pass the time. Our kitchen cabinets were painted red by the previous home owner and the walls were gray, and so our kitchen felt really dark and dingy. We painted the walls a bright blue and are in the process of painting the cabinet dark brown. I’ve gotten 1/3 of the kitchen done and I’m loving the results so far! And we’ve been putting off landscaping our front yard for 2 years, and this weekend we finally bricked, planted bushes and laid new mulch down. I love how it looks!
I don’t have any updates on the TTC process but I’m really hoping this month is the month. I’m (obviously) not getting my hopes up and am keeping myself busy so I don’t hyper-focus on it, but I can’t help but hope.
Why the hell is everyone around me getting pregnant? It’s like I’m being constantly taunted. I know, irrationality at it’s finest.
I met with the only local adoption agency in our area today and I’m overwhelmed by it all. The costs, the hoops we have to jump through, the wait list, etc. It all hit me like a powerful wave and I felt like I was in over my head. The social worker was very sweet and explained everything so well, but the process is so lengthy and expensive and full of the unknown…I’m glad I know a little bit more about the process and what we could expect, but it’s definitely overwhelming. We’re going to take a couple of weeks to digest this info and then we’re attending a webinar on 4/27 with a national agency. So far I’m slightly terrified by the idea of adoption, but if that’s what’s in store for our future, then we’ll figure it out 🙂
One of the biggest things I’m struggling with right now is my fear of appearing selfish. I’m so down right now because I keep dwelling on the negative in our situation and I so badly want to work through the feelings of sadness and anger that I’m currently feeling, but I fear that I will appear selfish. For example, I don’t want to continue taking the Clomid unsuccessfully after next month. It’s too hard on me emotionally to hope and be optimistic for the first 3/4 of the month only to be crushed during the last week of the month. No one quite seems to understand this. I keep hearing, “Just keep trying on the Clomid; it can’t hurt.” While I understand that rationale, it doesn’t make the feelings of failure and sadness easier to handle. I don’t want people to think that I’m selfish for protecting myself and saying enough is enough. I don’t want to be judged or for people to think that I don’t really want this. I desperately want this; I really, really do. But I’m also struggling with this pain and fear of the unknown, and I guess I just want someone to say that that’s ok. I want to know that not being strong all the time in the face of infertility is alright. I want my feelings validated and I don’t want to be told to move on. I will move on when I’m ready, but today I’m in mourning. I know that next month things could possibly turn around, but I’m having a very hard time finding optimism in our situation. I’ll get there; I’m just not there today.
On another note, I had my ultrasound today and the technician told me that although the doctor will have to look the images over to be absolutely sure, she thought my uterus and ovaries looked healthy and were the correct shapes and sizes. She also said I have great blood flow to my ovaries. While I’m slightly bummed that the ultrasound didn’t provide any answers, I’m grateful that everything looked healthy.
I think one of the phlebotomists at the lab is starting to recognize me and know me by name. It’s funny how relaxed I felt today going in for the ovulation blood test compared to the first time I had the test done. It feels so routine now, but when I went in for my first ovulation blood test, I was a ball of nerves. Before, I was so nervous because we had no idea which of my reproductive organs were working and which ones weren’t. I was shocked the first time I was told that I wasn’t ovulating. Now I’m not surprised if I don’t ovulate and I’m surprise if I do. I should know by the end of today or tomorrow if I ovulated this cycle. I’m hoping that I did, but I truly won’t be surprised if I didn’t. Nothing about this journey has been predictable so I’m not going to start expecting any certain results now! 🙂