have i mentioned how much i hate waiting?

I had my cycle day 21 blood test done today and I usually hear from my doctor the same day as the blood test, but I didn’t hear anything today. I actually kept my mind off of it for most of the day but now I’m consumed by wondering. I’m 90% sure that I didn’t ovulate but it would still be nice to know for sure. The two months that I have ovulated on Clomid (let’s not focus on how depressing it is that in a year of trying, I’ve only ovulated twice…), I’ve experienced GI issues (gas, constipation, general discomfort), sore and enlarged breasts, and headaches. This month, I’ve experienced none of these. I’m pretty bummed. My husband doesn’t want me to think so negatively, and I’m extremely thankful for his optimism, but I just can’t keep myself afloat. Some days I feel so stupid for being so consumed by this process and being depressed when another month goes by, but days like today I feel like my feelings are completely justified.

cycle day 16

Today is cycle day 16 and I don’t have much to report. I haven’t gotten a positive ovulation test yet, but I’m holding onto hope that it will happen this month. I’m scared that my body is following a pattern. Month 1 on Clomid 100mg I ovulated and month 2 on the same dosage, I didn’t ovulate. Month 3 my doc upped it to Clomid 150mg and I ovulated but didn’t get pregnant. This is month 4 and I’m on the same dosage as last month, and I’m scared that I’m not going to ovulate. My doctor says we can keep trying with Clomid through the full 6 months, but if I don’t ovulate this month, things won’t be looking so good for us. I don’t want to work with a fertility specialist so we decided that we’ll keep trying with Clomid for the full 6 months and if nothing good happens, we’ll keep trying naturally until we can afford adoption. I try very hard to stay in the present moment and not get too caught up with the what-ifs of the future, but some days that’s hard (including today).

silence

It’s been a week of silence on the blog, which is good because that means I’ve been crazy busy! Here’s what you’ve missed over the last week:

1) I found out on Tuesday that I got the marketing internship that I really, really wanted! To top it off, if they like me enough after 60-90 days, they will bring me on permanently as a marketing designer! I’m so excited! I was also contacted on Monday about being a freelance writer for my city. My hometown is starting a website dedicated to all of the improvements and changes the city is making (my city is really starting to become a cool and innovative place) and they need writers to write the stories and blog updates, and I was chosen to be one of those writers!

2) I started my 4th cycle of using Clomid last Friday. Today is cycle day 10 and so we begin Sextravaganza 2014 Part IV. I caved and bought ovulation tests (at the suggestion of my doc) but as of this morning, I have not ovulated yet. I’m on the highest dose of Clomid that my doc can give me, so I really hope I ovulate again this month.

3) I’m so ridiculously close to being done with my kitchen project! I have one tiny area to finish still (I’m officially done with all the doors!) this weekend and then I am done! Our kitchen will have made a complete and utter transformation by the time I’m done and I’m so happy with the (almost) finished product!

4) I only broke down and cried once this week, and it was only for a few seconds! This is progress, people!

wins all around

I did ovulate this month! Ignore me doing my happy dance over here! I was convinced I had ovulated so I was really happy and relieved when the nurse told me. I also spoke to my doctor today about some of my other fears and concerns and here’s what I found out:

1) I DO have eggs in my normal shape and sized ovaries
2) my ovaries are clear of any masses and I do not have ovarian cancer (family history of ovarian cancer=terrified me)
3) my Thyroid, estrogen levels and blood sugar are all “beyond normal”
4) I have no symptoms of PCOS

Basically my doctor said that aside from my cycles being off and not ovulating every month, I’m in perfect health. I’ll take it!

On top of receiving good news from my doc, I also got contacted about 2 marketing internships that I applied for! This is fantastic news because I really can’t get a job in marketing until I’ve done an internship. I’m pretty happy with today thus far!

third time’s the charm?

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I feel like at this point, buying prego tests is just pointless, but I’m hoping that this month is the month. I didn’t have great fertile cervical fluid this month, but I had 2 days with semi-fertile looking fluid, so I’m really crossing my fingers that I ovulated. I’m on 150 mg of Clomid this month so it won’t be a good sign for our TTC journey if I don’t ovulate.

taking advantage of waiting

I’m not a fan of waiting. I’ve said this several times before but it’s worth saying again. I hate the anxiety and roller coaster of emotions I go through while I’m waiting. However, I’m trying to take advantage of the free time I have while we’re waiting for something, anything, to happen. I took the last dose of Provera (to help me start my period) this morning so we have anywhere between 2-10 days before my cycle should start. In the mean time, I’m trying to complete a new project: painting our kitchen and kitchen cabinets. I finished painting the kitchen walls on Friday and started the cabinets yesterday. So far, it looks soooo nice, and I’m excited to have an updated and more modern looking kitchen. Here was me yesterday working hard:

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That blue in the background is the new wall color. The walls were gray before and our kitchen just felt dark and dingy. When I’m finished, the cabinets will be a dark espresso brown, which is a nice contrast against the blue walls!
Projects distract me from the emotions I go through while waiting for the meds to kick me or for a positive ovulation test result or for when we can take a pregnancy test. I go through so many emotions ranging from positivity and excitement to pessimism and sadness, so I’ll try anything that will help with the ups and downs. Anyone have any advice for how to not go crazy while waiting during the TTC process?

the results

No ovulation this cycle. I knew when it was my actual doctor calling, and not her nurse, that something was not right. My doctor gave me a few options: Get an ultrasound done to make sure my uterus and ovaries are healthy, try another cycle of Clomid on 150 mg (the highest dose she can give me) to see if I’ll ovulate, and call my insurance company and ask about coverage of infertility services. She basically said that if my ultrasound comes back normal and the next cycle of Clomid doesn’t help me ovulate, we will have exhausted our options with working with her and we should seek services from a fertility specialist, if that’s the route we want to take. We have talked several times about working with a fertility specialist and we both agree that it’s not something we want to do. I will call my insurance company tomorrow to see if my insurance covers infertility treatment, just in case we change our mind. I have an ultrasound scheduled for this Friday morning to check out my reproductive goods, and hopefully all is normal and healthy. We also plan on trying with Clomid one more cycle. If I ovulate next cycle with the higher dosage of Clomid (and don’t get pregnant), we will try again the next cycle. However, my husband and I both agree that the emotional strain this journey has caused us is becoming harder and harder to bear, so we’re limiting how much more trying we’re going to do.

My to-do list in the meantime:

  • Ultrasound on Friday
  • Look into infertility support groups
  • Look into adoption information meetings
  • Wait for more answers from my doctor

 

 

 

 

blood tests

I think one of the phlebotomists at the lab is starting to recognize me and know me by name. It’s funny how relaxed I felt today going in for the ovulation blood test compared to the first time I had the test done. It feels so routine now, but when I went in for my first ovulation blood test, I was a ball of nerves. Before, I was so nervous because we had no idea which of my reproductive organs were working and which ones weren’t. I was shocked the first time I was told that I wasn’t ovulating. Now I’m not surprised if I don’t ovulate and I’m surprise if I do. I should know by the end of today or tomorrow if I ovulated this cycle. I’m hoping that I did, but I truly won’t be surprised if I didn’t. Nothing about this journey has been predictable so I’m not going to start expecting any certain results now! 🙂

stats and notes

Clomid cycle 1:

-Start Clomid on cycle days 3-7 (2/1-2/5)
-Hormone tests on cycle days 3, 10 and 21
-Sex on cycle days 10, 12, 14, 16 and 18
-Positive ovulation test results from cycle day 21 (first ovulation in 9 months)
Negative pregnancy test on cycle day 28
New menstrual period on cycle day 28 (technically new cycle day 1)

Clomid cycle 2:

-Start Clomid on cycle days 3-7 (2/28-3/4)
-Sex on cycle days 10, 12, 14, 16 and 18 (today is day 18)
-Ovulation test on cycle day 21

We’re crossing our fingers for a positive ovulation test and pregnancy test this cycle. We know it’s a stretch (we only have a 25% chance of conceiving every cycle), but we’re trying to remain positive. My husband has to keep reminding me that technically, although we’ve been actively trying for 10 months, this is only our second month of trying with ovulation actually occurring. The 8 months before that don’t really count because no egg was being released; we were shooting at a nonexistent target. That’s getting me through some of the anger, sadness and frustration.