cycle day 16

Today is cycle day 16 and I don’t have much to report. I haven’t gotten a positive ovulation test yet, but I’m holding onto hope that it will happen this month. I’m scared that my body is following a pattern. Month 1 on Clomid 100mg I ovulated and month 2 on the same dosage, I didn’t ovulate. Month 3 my doc upped it to Clomid 150mg and I ovulated but didn’t get pregnant. This is month 4 and I’m on the same dosage as last month, and I’m scared that I’m not going to ovulate. My doctor says we can keep trying with Clomid through the full 6 months, but if I don’t ovulate this month, things won’t be looking so good for us. I don’t want to work with a fertility specialist so we decided that we’ll keep trying with Clomid for the full 6 months and if nothing good happens, we’ll keep trying naturally until we can afford adoption. I try very hard to stay in the present moment and not get too caught up with the what-ifs of the future, but some days that’s hard (including today).

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struggle bus

One of the biggest things I’m struggling with right now is my fear of appearing selfish. I’m so down right now because I keep dwelling on the negative in our situation and I so badly want to work through the feelings of sadness and anger that I’m currently feeling, but I fear that I will appear selfish. For example, I don’t want to continue taking the Clomid unsuccessfully after next month. It’s too hard on me emotionally to hope and be optimistic for the first 3/4 of the month only to be crushed during the last week of the month. No one quite seems to understand this. I keep hearing, “Just keep trying on the Clomid; it can’t hurt.” While I understand that rationale, it doesn’t make the feelings of failure and sadness easier to handle. I don’t want people to think that I’m selfish for protecting myself and saying enough is enough. I don’t want to be judged or for people to think that I don’t really want this. I desperately want this; I really, really do. But I’m also struggling with this pain and fear of the unknown, and I guess I just want someone to say that that’s ok. I want to know that not being strong all the time in the face of infertility is alright. I want my feelings validated ¬†and I don’t want to be told to move on. I will move on when I’m ready, but today I’m in mourning. I know that next month things could possibly turn around, but I’m having a very hard time finding optimism in our situation. I’ll get there; I’m just not there today.

 

On another note, I had my ultrasound today and the technician told me that although the doctor will have to look the images over to be absolutely sure, she thought my uterus and ovaries looked healthy and were the correct shapes and sizes. She also said I have great blood flow to my ovaries. While I’m slightly bummed that the ultrasound didn’t provide any answers, I’m grateful that everything looked healthy.

staying positive

I’ve been having a hard time staying positive lately. I was so overly positive and optimistic last cycle that I ended up being devastated when I got the two negative pregnancy tests and my period came. I’m trying to find that happy medium between feeling completely hopeless and negative, and getting myself overly excited and optimistic. My husband and I had a talk yesterday (well, he talked, I cried) about finding this happy medium, and I realized just how negative I had become this cycle in an attempt to protect myself emotionally. My goal is to figure out how to stay positive and optimistic without getting myself so excited that I’m crushed if we don’t get pregnant this cycle. My husband is being so supportive and loving, despite my negativity and sadness, and he gave me this advice, which I plan to implement: “You’re going to be disappointed if we don’t get pregnant; it’s natural. But you take a day to cry it out, and then we move on and prepare for the next month.”

my greatest asset, help and love

I had a really bad day yesterday. Like break down, wallow in my self-pity, and have a panic attack kind of bad day. I felt like such a failure. I can’t find a new job (which I desperately need) and I can’t get pregnant. While that might not seem like a lot to be upset about to you, I spend 40 hours a week at a job I hate and every single day I’m reminded of my inadequacy in the fertility department. I wasn’t really processing through my sadness and frustration until yesterday when I burst. I would have been happy to cry myself to sleep and feel bad for myself, but luckily my husband was there to remind me that wallowing doesn’t do me any good. He let me cry, and he hugged and comforted me, but after a few minutes of comforting me, he took me by the shoulders and asked me, “Is any of this your fault? What good does it do to blame yourself and say ‘What if?'” I got mad at him at first. After all, how dare he make me think logically and unemotionally! However, after a few minutes, I realized he was right. He continued to let me sniffle and he watched more tears fall, but he refused to let me stay in a completely saddened state. He has no idea how much this helped and how much I appreciate his efforts to keep me sane. I have plenty of very supportive people in my life but no one understands me like my husband. He’s my best friend (Sorry, I’m not sorry for the cheesiness) and without his constant love, encouragement and support, I don’t know what I’d do. I sometimes feel like I rely on him too much, like I’m overbearing and overwhelming. But I hope that our marriage is full of give and take; I hope I’m just as good at supporting and loving him as he is with me. I’m just so grateful that I have him to travel this oftentimes dark and bumpy road with.

10 months

I should listen to my body, mood and gut feeling more. I took a pregnancy test this morning since my period was due tomorrow, and it was negative. I think this was one of the most disappointing negatives yet because I felt so optimistic, so sure that I’d be pregnant this month. Then, when I got to work, I realized that I’d started my period. I just sat there, unable to process that another month has gone by and we’re still not pregnant. For those of you keeping track, that’s 10 months of trying. I know that it hasn’t even been a year but it’s a lot of months of disappointment and sadness. My husband and I made the realization the other day that if we had been able to get pregnant our first month of trying, we would have had a baby by now. That’s kind of strange to think about.
I’m just so sad and angry that my body has failed me yet again. I feel like a failure and I don’t know what to do but just be sad. I’m trying to remember that I’m not dying, this is just infertility, but I feel like a little piece of me dies every time I see a negative pregnancy test.

i’m feeling sort of blah

I am just not feeling like myself right now. I always go through phases of feeling sad or down, but I’ve been feeling very sad, distracted and just all around mopey since Saturday. I know it’s partly due to the fact that I don’t think I’m pregnant. It will be such a disappointment to know that I actually ovulated this month but we didn’t get pregnant. It will feel like such a failure. I tried to get rid of some of my negativity this past weekend by opening the bedroom windows, since it was nice enough to let the breeze in. I’ve always loved the smell of fresh air and spring, and there’s something rejuvenating about that scent wrapping itself around me and soaking into my blankets and pillow. I felt slightly better after having a good cry while being wrapped in the fresh breeze, but it obviously didn’t bring me out of my funk completely. I’m hoping that maybe I’ll hear something positive from one of the many jobs I’ve applied for or that I might get a positive pregnancy test this week, but I’m just not feeling too optimistic about much right now. Here’s to kicking this funk and feeling more like myself soon!

of course i’m not ok

I’ve heard of two couples just this week who are pregnant and didn’t/don’t want to be. I hate feeling cynical and petty, but when I hear about people who didn’t want to be pregnant but are, I get frustrated. Yesterday I found out that a family friend is pregnant and she’s not happy about it. After finding out, my sister asked me, “Are you ok?” I told her that I was ok, but really I was very conflicted. I can’t be too terribly upset because I used to be one of those people. I would lose my shit when my period was even a day late and the thought of motherhood made my stomach turn. I can’t blame this woman because I know what it feels like to just not to ready. However, all the rational thinking in the world can’t override my sadness and frustration about this. I know that people aren’t getting pregnant just to rub it in my face, but the temper-tantrum throwing preschooler in me wants to just scream, “IT’S NOT FAIR!” Oh, you weren’t trying and now you’re sad that you are pregnant? Fuck you. Again, I know that it’s irrational for me to be upset about other people getting pregnant, but I feel like this blog is a safe place for me to vent my frustrations. Of course I’m not ok; I’m sad everyday. But I’ll be ok eventually.

here are my worries and fears

Here are my worries and fears:

1) I won’t ovulate this cycle (or the next one, or the one after that…)

2) We’ll throw away hundreds or thousands of dollars on medications, doctors visits and blood draws, only to find out that we will never be able to get pregnant

3) We’ll decide to adopt but we won’t qualify for some reason

4) I’m the problem and there’s nothing I can do about it

5) I’ll never get to be a mom

6) I will always wonder if there was something I did to make myself infertile. Was it the birth control? Did I expose myself to chemicals that cause it?

7) I will only have a handful of healthy eggs

8) I won’t get to carry my child, or tell him/her that they were once in mommy’s tummy, and I’ll lack that bond with my child

9) We will get pregnant and I will lose the baby

10) We will both be infertile and we won’t be able to afford any other means of becoming parents (adoption, IVF, etc.)

so emotional

I’m naturally a more emotional person. I’ve been that way since I was little. I was labeled as “overly sensitive” and was told to grow thicker skin. But I digress. In my field, I hear sad and unfortunate stories every day, but I’ve had to learn not to cry at every sad story I hear, otherwise I’d be crying pretty much every second from 8 am-4:30 pm. However, today I met a new client for the first time and she has lost visitation rights to all 6 of her children because she is slightly slow mentally. It was heartbreaking; she loves her kids so much. And if that wasn’t sad enough, she then asked me, “Do you have kids yet?” When I told her that I don’t have children yet, she said, “I’ll explain to you why I’m so sad then. When you carry them in your body and nourish them for 9 months and then you feed them and change their diapers and love them so much, the pain you feel when they’re taken from you is unbearable.” Cue me fighting back tears. It was all I could do to not leap over the table we were sitting at, give her a big hug and cry my TTC eyes out. I did give my emotions some relief and let myself shed a few tears in my car after the appointment, because you can take the girl out of the emotions, but you can’t take the emotions out of the girl (I don’t think that worked…).

it’s happened.

I didn’t think I’d be upset if I found out someone I know is pregnant while we’re still trying (unsuccessfully), but it’s happened and I’m upset. On our 97th day of trying, we found out a couple who wasn’t trying (and who aren’t exactly ecstatic about it) are pregnant. While I wish I could jump for joy for them, I’m instead finding myself seriously bummed out. No one expected me to be ready to try, especially me, so I could never anticipate the feelings I’m now feeling. I know it will happen when it happens, but tell that to my brain that is tired from trying to rationalize why they are pregnant and we are not, and to my heart which is so sad and mooshy and broken more with every negative pregnancy test. It’s almost enough to wish I’d never come around to the idea of becoming a mom. Obviously I’m still in this for the long run, I’m just feeling bummed today.