May 18th marked 1 year of trying. My husband was totally clueless and told me that he thought we started trying in August! Either way, the day passed with no significance and we both forgot about the official 1 year marker until today. My brother-in-law got married this past weekend and everything that being in a wedding, singing for the same wedding, and making 50 cupcakes for the rehearsal dinner entails kept us pretty busy! Now I’m turning my attention towards something else to continue my pattern of distracting myself. My progesterone test came back this month as a 6.6, which is high enough to not definitely rule out ovulation, but also isn’t high enough to definitely say that I ovulated. So, to keep myself distracted from the inevitable disappointment, I’m focusing on planning our 5th anniversary, which is coming up in August! We’re going to be taking a 4 day vacation to Charleston, SC and staying on Folly Beach over Labor Day weekend, as long as my husband’s leave gets approve, and I’m sooooo excited! Nothing but sitting on the beach, eating delicious southern food, and going to Fort Sumter!
I had my cycle day 21 blood test done today and I usually hear from my doctor the same day as the blood test, but I didn’t hear anything today. I actually kept my mind off of it for most of the day but now I’m consumed by wondering. I’m 90% sure that I didn’t ovulate but it would still be nice to know for sure. The two months that I have ovulated on Clomid (let’s not focus on how depressing it is that in a year of trying, I’ve only ovulated twice…), I’ve experienced GI issues (gas, constipation, general discomfort), sore and enlarged breasts, and headaches. This month, I’ve experienced none of these. I’m pretty bummed. My husband doesn’t want me to think so negatively, and I’m extremely thankful for his optimism, but I just can’t keep myself afloat. Some days I feel so stupid for being so consumed by this process and being depressed when another month goes by, but days like today I feel like my feelings are completely justified.
Today is cycle day 16 and I don’t have much to report. I haven’t gotten a positive ovulation test yet, but I’m holding onto hope that it will happen this month. I’m scared that my body is following a pattern. Month 1 on Clomid 100mg I ovulated and month 2 on the same dosage, I didn’t ovulate. Month 3 my doc upped it to Clomid 150mg and I ovulated but didn’t get pregnant. This is month 4 and I’m on the same dosage as last month, and I’m scared that I’m not going to ovulate. My doctor says we can keep trying with Clomid through the full 6 months, but if I don’t ovulate this month, things won’t be looking so good for us. I don’t want to work with a fertility specialist so we decided that we’ll keep trying with Clomid for the full 6 months and if nothing good happens, we’ll keep trying naturally until we can afford adoption. I try very hard to stay in the present moment and not get too caught up with the what-ifs of the future, but some days that’s hard (including today).
It’s been a week of silence on the blog, which is good because that means I’ve been crazy busy! Here’s what you’ve missed over the last week:
1) I found out on Tuesday that I got the marketing internship that I really, really wanted! To top it off, if they like me enough after 60-90 days, they will bring me on permanently as a marketing designer! I’m so excited! I was also contacted on Monday about being a freelance writer for my city. My hometown is starting a website dedicated to all of the improvements and changes the city is making (my city is really starting to become a cool and innovative place) and they need writers to write the stories and blog updates, and I was chosen to be one of those writers!
2) I started my 4th cycle of using Clomid last Friday. Today is cycle day 10 and so we begin Sextravaganza 2014 Part IV. I caved and bought ovulation tests (at the suggestion of my doc) but as of this morning, I have not ovulated yet. I’m on the highest dose of Clomid that my doc can give me, so I really hope I ovulate again this month.
3) I’m so ridiculously close to being done with my kitchen project! I have one tiny area to finish still (I’m officially done with all the doors!) this weekend and then I am done! Our kitchen will have made a complete and utter transformation by the time I’m done and I’m so happy with the (almost) finished product!
4) I only broke down and cried once this week, and it was only for a few seconds! This is progress, people!
“Periods are stupid! ‘Inside, I’m dreaming of ice cream, but on the outside, I’m ripping your throat out!'” -my husband
Today is cycle day 26 and I’m getting very nervous about testing. I’ve felt the disappointment that comes with only seeing one pink line instead of two so many times, but the disappointment doesn’t hurt any less as time passes. I’m planning on testing on Friday if I haven’t gotten my period by then. The last month that I ovulated, my period came right on schedule, so I’m guessing that if I’m not pregnant, my period will be here by Wednesday or Thursday. I’m trying very hard to distract myself so that I don’t focus on testing all week. I’ve got an interview for a marketing internship this afternoon and I’m really excited about that. If I could manage to score this internship, I would learn about not just marketing but also advertising and PR, and that’s really intriguing/exciting for me! I’m trying to put my energy and focus into things that are good for me, like this interview, going on a bike ride with my husband after dinner, and finishing my kitchen cabinet project (yes, I’m still working on that, but I’m so close to being done!). Hopefully this week will fly by and I’ll get some good news (about the internship or pregnancy) by the end of the week.
I did ovulate this month! Ignore me doing my happy dance over here! I was convinced I had ovulated so I was really happy and relieved when the nurse told me. I also spoke to my doctor today about some of my other fears and concerns and here’s what I found out:
1) I DO have eggs in my normal shape and sized ovaries
2) my ovaries are clear of any masses and I do not have ovarian cancer (family history of ovarian cancer=terrified me)
3) my Thyroid, estrogen levels and blood sugar are all “beyond normal”
4) I have no symptoms of PCOS
Basically my doctor said that aside from my cycles being off and not ovulating every month, I’m in perfect health. I’ll take it!
On top of receiving good news from my doc, I also got contacted about 2 marketing internships that I applied for! This is fantastic news because I really can’t get a job in marketing until I’ve done an internship. I’m pretty happy with today thus far!
I feel like at this point, buying prego tests is just pointless, but I’m hoping that this month is the month. I didn’t have great fertile cervical fluid this month, but I had 2 days with semi-fertile looking fluid, so I’m really crossing my fingers that I ovulated. I’m on 150 mg of Clomid this month so it won’t be a good sign for our TTC journey if I don’t ovulate.
There’s nothing much happening over here. Sextravaganza 2014 Part III began on Saturday and I’m keeping myself extra busy by doing home improvement and landscape projects in order to pass the time. Our kitchen cabinets were painted red by the previous home owner and the walls were gray, and so our kitchen felt really dark and dingy. We painted the walls a bright blue and are in the process of painting the cabinet dark brown. I’ve gotten 1/3 of the kitchen done and I’m loving the results so far! And we’ve been putting off landscaping our front yard for 2 years, and this weekend we finally bricked, planted bushes and laid new mulch down. I love how it looks!
I don’t have any updates on the TTC process but I’m really hoping this month is the month. I’m (obviously) not getting my hopes up and am keeping myself busy so I don’t hyper-focus on it, but I can’t help but hope.
Why the hell is everyone around me getting pregnant? It’s like I’m being constantly taunted. I know, irrationality at it’s finest.